Self esteem, thy name is Holly

In which I write something that has prevented me from sleeping since it popped into my brain at 3am!

Yesterday my mood could be described in many ways. Happy, stupid, elated, weird. All kinds of things for no apparent reason. I found everything funny, couldn't stop giggling. It was great. I've not felt like that...well probably ever. It was amazing.

I had been feeling good since I left the house in the afternoon to go to my group therapy session, and my mood only improved as the evening progressed. During the session I told the group (one of whom already knew) about my exploits over the last few days. I told them I had created a profile on a dating site, and that I had challenged myself and actually messaged someone. They never responded but that wasn't the point. The point was to prove to myself that I can actually initiate things like this, and that the worst that can happen is basically nothing!

On the website, the only thing people are shown initially is the picture. The profile is shown to people who have a similar personality. Although I have stated in my profile I am trans, the profile is listed as female. This means that to anyone who has seen the picture, they have been told it is a girl. So far I've had over 100 people look at my profile. 100 people who have seen that picture and thought 'that is a picture of a girl'. This in itself is amazing. To think that people have seen a picture of me and not even questioned my gender is fantastic. But I realised it also means that over 100 people have seen that picture and thought that I'm cute enough to read the profile. Now I know a lot of people who would say that isn't such a big deal. Well all those people can consume a pile of whatever thing you find most unpleasant because to me that is amazing. I have never in my life considered myself to be worth somebody else's time, but as I've been able to be Holly, I've started to change that. This has demonstrated to me that I apparently AM worth a second glance. That I'm not so unpleasant that you wouldn't even click the image!

Unfortunately for me, I have yet to have any messages. It's probably rather unfortunate that for all the straight guys looking at my profile, the first thing they will read is that I'm trans and probably jump ship. But that got me thinking about something else. My therapist said yesterday that he wondered what it would be like when I actually got a date. I wasn't sure, but I guessed it would be bad. I'm nervous and generally still worried about everything. Am I worth their time. Do they even like me. Is the whole trans thing a problem. But at 3am my brain decided it needed to wake me the hell up and teach me a lesson about self esteem.

The first paragraph of that profile says in no uncertain terms that I am trans, pre everything. I'm sure this puts a lot of people off, because let's face it, it's not what most people are looking for. I felt disheartened. "If only someone would give me a chance, and maybe see my personality" I thought. "If only".

Then I realised something. Something important. I don't WANT someone to 'give me a chance'. I don't want to go on a date with some guy who is essentially doing it because he "might be able to love a tranny" or treats me like a man who happens to be wearing a dress. I don't want that at ALL. Not only that, but I realised I DESERVE better! I realised that if I'm honest with myself, I have a lot to offer someone. I am sweet and kind, funny and fun apparently. If I had the right person I'd do almost anything for them. I would make an excellent girlfriend to the right person. But I DESERVE someone who likes me for who I am. EXACTLY who I am. Someone who looks at me and thinks "That's Holly. SHE is my girlfriend." Someone who can celebrate the fact that I've discovered myself and am becoming the person I am supposed to be! I deserve that, nothing less!

This, for me, is huge. It's the first and only time I can recall where I've been able to sit there and say "these things are good about myself". The first time I've been able to think "I deserve someone special, not whoever happens to tolerate me long enough". The first time I've ever felt confident about things.

YAY!

The one with the challenge

Holly sets herself a challenge. Ross and Chandler are busy making dinosaur puppets. Phoebe discovers she is really a vampire.


Yeah I just made myself part of the cast of friends, what of it?

So, as I wrote...yesterday? Was it? Well whenever it was, I made myself a dating profile. I've filled it all in. I TRIED to make it sound appealing. Mr J says its good, and if he thought it was crap he would tell me 'cause Mr J is a nice man who wants me to find a nice boyfriend (or girlfriend)!

But I hear what you're all shouting. "Holly" you cry "Holly. You are to much of a scaredy cat to go on a date with someone". To which I say, "Yes probably!". But that wasn't the point...well it's a little bit the point. Well actually it is a LOT of the point. I don't like the idea of dating but I have to be realistic, the chances of me waking up next to the guy of my dreams tomorrow is pretty slim (that or I have a very sad life ahead of me with the dinosaur cushion!).

So anyway, it's all filled out, I uploaded a picture and answered a bunch of questions. Now so far I've had quite a few views. Which is good, because it means that so far at least 100 people with basic accounts have seen the picture it shows them and thought 'eh, she's kind of cute'. Frankly these people could have exceptionally low standards, I don't care, for two reasons.

1. It proves that SOME people like how I look
2. It proves that at least 100 people either thought I was a cis-female or didn't care.

Which is excellent. I have stated pretty clearly that I am trans, pre-everything in the profile because frankly I can do without messaging people who disappear when they find out. I'd rather have it out of the way.

The first person that viewed my profile, actually appeared to be a damned good match. He even 'liked' my profile.  For some reason the site tells you they liked it but doesn't tell you what rating the gave it out of 5, so frankly I have no idea...I assume if it was low it wouldn't be liked? I might have to test it! Well anyway I liked his profile back and basically told myself that I didn't expect a message. Probably wise, because I haven't had one.

HOWEVER (and this is the reason this was worth its own blog post) I set myself a challenge. Now I won't lie, because Mr J doesn't like it when I say I didn't want something to happen when secretly I really did and I need to stop doing it. If I am honest, I wanted a message from him. I didn't expect one, but it would have been nice. I have NO idea what I would have done, but still, it would have been nice. But after waiting for some time I set myself a challenge. If I want that message so bad, I have to send one to him!

Then I chickened out.


Fortunately I did whatever the female equivalent of 'growing a pair' is and sent him a message! Nothing much, just saying hi and asking if he wanted to message me at some point. I don't imagine he will, and if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world, because at least it proves that I CAN do it if I want to. Of course the harder part is keeping that going and/or finding people to actually message, but one step at a time!

So yeah, go me! Dating pro!

The nights are the hard parts

In which I inform you as to why I wish I had a single bed.

Long time no write, blog people, and with good reason, I've done bugger all.

Well that's not true at all. In fact, it's a downright lie. I have, in reality, gone from being a closet girl to being Miss ******* to the whole wide universe!

I'll do the catchup quickly and move on to the next bit!

So it's not been what...exactly a month apparently, since I told my sisters and was allowed to live as the real live human girl I'm supposed to be. So to all those people who were waiting for me to say "This was a huge mistake", can I now take this opportunity to bite my thumb in your direction. That's right, I went all Shakespearian on your arses!

Anyway, the last month has been amazing. I've had some of the most amazing messages of support from so many people. I have felt better about myself every single day. I've still had bad days, and they've been really bad, but at least I started them on a high note! There is something about waking up under your nice girly blanket wearing your nice girly pyjamas that makes everything seem OK.

I've since returned to work AND choir and everyone has been great. I still hate shaving all the damn time, but hey, I'm happier than I've ever been. But more on that another time.

Today I address the problem of my bed. Or specifically the fact that I'm the only one in it. Don't let your minds run away with you, I'm not talking blue here, I'm just lonely and bored.

Friends are great. You can watch movies with them, eat junk food and generally be lazy. Unfortunately, unless you have some sort of prior agreement with them, you can't snuggle up to them while this goes on. So far in my life I've never wanted that. Now I do. So in the interests of fixing that, I've done something WILD AND CRAZY.

DUM DUM DUUUUUM.

I made a profile on a dating site.

Yes. For anyone who knows me, you will appreciate the magnitude of this. For those of you that don't know me, allow me to explain.

I HATE meeting new people. It scares the hell out of me.

But I figure, statistically, someone out there has to want the same things I want. Someone will like me for who I am, and I'm not going to find them sitting here complaining about it on the internet! Since I can't exactly go OUT and find them, this will have to do.

Will I ever respond the the unlikely event of a message? I have no idea...we'll have to wait and see.