Two down, one to go

In which I reveal the facts concerning the most important two days I am likely to experience.


I've told a lot of people about my transition plans now, and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I never know how to start. Nobody knows how to react. I never know what people will say or do. It's awful but it needs to be done.

Tomorrow I will be telling my sisters. This is the final hurdle for me as far as telling people goes. Once they know, I can live as Holly full time. Forever. This last week has been awful for me but I've made it through by reminding myself that I have less than a week to go.

Tomorrow is going to be scary. I've not told a child this news yet and I don't know what will happen. I'm really not sure what to say. I have plans and ideas but I have no idea if I will stick to them. But tomorrow they will know. Needless to say I am really worried. But telling the girls is a small thing compared to what I did today. The girls are young, they will get used to it. But today I tackled the other end of the family spectrum...

Today I told my grandparents!

I have written before about my Dad's parents and about how nervous I have been about telling them. In the past my grandad has threatened to ban me from the house for wearing nail-varnish. My dad says he is a straight-up homophobe. I've not been sure how my granny would react but since she once tried to tell me how I was a fool because 'Evolution is a lie' I was not hopeful.

My Dad was also scared. On the way to their house he nearly burst into tears for fear of 'my family letting us down'. He wasn't sure what would happen, but he really didn't want them to react badly.

When we arrived, it transpired that my Grandad was still at work. We decided to eat and tell Granny on her own. I explained the situation as carefully as I could. It would be no in no way an exaggeration to say she looked ill. She began to move things around the dinner table just for something to do.

Then she said something I feel ashamed to admit I was not expecting to hear. "Well, we'll always love you and we'll never turn you away!"

Every so often she would remind me to 'think carefully' about the situation. I think this was more for lack of better words than anything else as she continued to find random tasks with which to occupy herself. By the end of the evening I had explained to her what I needed to and she has begun to start calling me 'dear' or 'my grandchild' to help her transition away from ****** and towards Holly.

Grandad returned from work shortly after I had informed Granny. She sat at the table looking ill and I asked Grandad to take a seat next to her. I explained the situation to him. His reaction was the one I feared most, for reasons I do not fully understand. I asked him to tell me honestly what he thought, even if I wouldn't like it. He told me he thought the whole thing was a bad idea. He said he couldn't encourage it at all.

However, he agree to keep an open mind if he saw that it made me happy. He told me before I left that he would probably end up calling me ***** for a long while, but if he DID he wasn't doing it to make me feel bad. He wanted me to know that.

I still have no idea how they will take it in the long run. Granny thinks she will cry when she sees me for the first time. Maybe she will. But for the scariest thing I can think of doing, it all went really well!

Hi, I'm Holly! Pleased to meet you!

In which I smash three or four days worth of interesting things in to one blog post!


Today as I write I am fully 'dressed' and smiling like a fool! Frankly, I have a lot to be happy about. On Monday, I wrote about how I had told my Dad about Holly. I told him he was welcome to tell my Step-mum if he wanted, or we could wait until I saw her next (which admittedly would probably have been Christmas and not really the best time!). The next day I got an email from her telling me how I had her full support and saying that Dad appeared to be taking the news very well, and coming up with practical questions like how to find shoes that fit! I have asked her to keep an eye on him, but hopefully he will really be fine with it! I have no idea if my Step-sister knows yet.

When I woke up the next day I was still essentially high of my own achievement. My grandma had come over for the afternoon and we decided to walk the dog. (I'm beginning to see a pattern here that most of my important stories come from something that happened while walking the dog!) Once we got to our usual dog-walking field, I started thinking.

I was of the opinion that Grandma would be fine with my news. Others were less sure. I was feeling extremely over-confident and decided to go for it. We had a reasonably long talk about it. Turns out, she seems OK with it. I'm not sure if it is simply that she understands that in this day and age you have to accept things you don't necessarily agree with or if she actually thinks it's OK but either works. I guess I'll find out eventually.

Wednesday I told my step-dad. My mum gave me a lot of grief about the way I told him. I maintain that telling him and sitting for a solid hour afterwards with him not saying anything about it particularly was a perfectly acceptable way of doing things, but apparently not. He took it really well when I told him and then didn't speak. Apparently, so mum says, he needed to 'digest' and then wouldn't talk bring it up on his own for fear of prying into somebody else's business. I still fail to see how that is MY fault but what can you do. Either way, the next day I spoke to him again and told him if he had any concerns or questions at all that he should feel free to come up and say so.

This morning I got up and was handed a letter from him. His choice of words was a little odd in places. His decision to use the phrase "If you are man enough to go around wearing a frock then I am man enough to let you" amused me for so many reasons. The use of the words 'man enough'. The idea that he has even the slightest element of control about whether I can be Holly. However his message came through well enough. Essentially, that as long as I am sure this is what I want and I don't suddenly start breaking our 'house rules' then he is fine with it and supports me.

These are all good things and I am proud of all of them. However, my favourite two pieces from the last week I have saved until last.

On Wednesday I attended my first session of phase 2 CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). It is a group therapy session and the only person in the group I know is the therapist. The rest of the group I have never met and historically I am very bad with new people. When I walked into the room slightly early, there was one girl already sat there. I took a seat and she introduced herself. I immediately responded "Hi, I'm Holly!".

I hear you saying "Well who cares, you said hello to someone!" however this introduction was significant to me. Firstly because I initiated the conversation. With a stranger. I have NEVER done that before and I did it with some confidence. The second reason is because it was the first time I have introduced myself as Holly. My friends, who have met me as Holly, know me already and I didn't feel the need for an introduction, so this was my first time. There was no hesitation. No thought involved. No sense that it felt wrong. It was a completely natural, comfortable reaction. It wasn't until I got home that evening that I realised how pleased I was with myself. Throughout the rest of the session I spoke to people with confidence, shared my own stories and was able to react better with this group than I had been able to with my previous group after 13 sessions!

My therapist said at one stage how pleased he was. "There was always an edge to you before. Don't ask me too many questions. Short sharp answers. A lot of underlying anger and aggression. Where has all that gone?" I cannot understate just how much better I feel in myself now, I knew this, but this session proved it. I explained how different I felt and how I was able to smile and generally emote. My therapist was pleased to be able to conclude that all of this was genuine. That I was able to smile and talk happily to other people without wanting to escape or tell them to leave.

I had initially planned to change back to boy mode for the train ride home, but after the session I decided not to. I walked back through the city towards the train station. I stood on the station and rode the train home. Every so often I would catch my reflection in something. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world...may face is too fat, I can't do make-up and my eyebrows look wrong. HOWEVER. Every time I say my reflection I noticed my smile. I've NEVER seen a smile on my face in a reflection before but it was always there. On top of that I FEEL super pretty. I don't care one way or the other how other people see me, I doubt I'll ever be the girl all the guys chase after but it doesn't matter. I felt amazing and I still do!

The second piece was this morning. Later on today my Brother, my mum and I are going to a gig. I have mentioned this gig before, it means the world to my brother and I. However I will be attending as Holly. Mum has not met Holly. I have been begging her since I told her to meet me as Holly BEFORE today because she seemed certain that she would freak out. She refused on the grounds that she would rather see it then have driving to focus on.

I was unable to persuade her that this wasn't a good idea. However I did alter it a little. My sisters are not coming back to our house after school so I can be Holly all day. So when I got up, I picked out my outfit (which looks fab by the way!) got dressed and went to see mum. I made my brother go downstairs first to find mum and stand around with her. She took it really well. She still sees 'the same person', which frankly is what I want. I AM the same person, I just look how I want(ish!). She likes my clothes, and thinks I look a bit like her (well go figure!). But she wasn't weird about it and she seems happy enough. I'm really really pleased with this result! She suggested some mascara would help balance out the eyebrows so I'll have to figure that out later! Then we had a chat about how to deal with my illusion-breaking voice!

She also isn't convinced I can rock a hair bow, but I think I can so I'm going to! Even my brother thinks I look nice.

Daddy's girl!

In which I explain the reasons that my Dad has earned more respect today than in his whole life combined.


Today I told my Dad my plans. I tried my hardest not to freak out before hand. I plunged myself into skyrim for a few hours to try and take my mind off it. Before I left the house to meet up with him I felt a surge of confidence (or possibly adrenalin). I was all kinds of early and kept begging my brain not to let the random confidence boost fade away.

Dad arrives at our meeting place and immediately offers to take us for some food. I suggested it might be wise to hear at least the first part of what I had to say. We sat and I offered him my opening line. "Dad, as soon as it becomes possible to do so, I intend to live the rest of my life as Holly". I don't believe I said it quite as rehearsed as it comes across, but the point was made. I have agonised about how he will react. A few people have suggested I prepare for the worst. As I noted previously, Mum had made it quite clear I should expect a bad reaction.

Dad took it like a champ! His initial reaction was exactly what I expected. A shocked look, a few words and a big hug. He asked me how long I'd felt that way and a few other things and I explained to him. He remained calm the whole time, although I don't think he quite knew how to react. We decided to go and eat anyway.

During our meal, I explained to him the transition process. We talked about what he thought of the whole thing and he made some jokes. He decided that the hardest part for him wouldn't be the new name, or the look. The hardest part would be that in his head I would be his "little boy" and it would take a long time to change that. He explained that for whatever reason when he thinks of my brother and I, we are still little in his mind. I don't know why this is and neither does he. It's a trait we share with him! People never seem to age in our heads! I am quite happy with this, he can take all the time he needs. The important part is he recognizes that fundamentally I will ALWAYS be the same person he has known and loved since I was born.

We discussed how we might break it to his parents. He even offered to be the one to tell them. This offer amazed me. I had thought, quite wrongly, that Dad might try and suggest I just don't do it around them and keep it hidden or might try and not take a side, or edge towards their side. But no. He chose a side. MY side. He is prepared to look his parents in the eyes and say My son is becoming my daughter and I support it! I hope you do too! and risk whatever the backlash is.

At one point he nearly burst into tears. Not because of what I had told him but because of something he had done to me. He says he regrets it more than anything else. He didn't let me come to his wedding. I had forgiven him for that long ago, but we have never discussed it at length. He told me how awful he feels about it and how he cries when he thinks about it. I know my Dad, he is like me. It takes a LOT to get us crying. If we are crying about something you bet your arse it is serious. He even asked "Do you forgive me for it?". If I hadn't forgiven him, he had more than made up for it during the course of our conversation. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was more than forgiven.

We talked for a while longer and he gave me a ride back to the train station. As I said goodbye and got stepped out of the car, he simply said "See you soon Holly!". I don't think I need to explain how amazing those words felt. I almost fell back into the car when I heard it. All I could say was thank you. I've had a smile on my face since then that shows no sign of going away.

I don't always know best and neither do you!

In which we discover that sometimes advice from others can actually be USEFUL!

You know how sometimes someone says "well why don't you..." and you come up with a million reasons it's a bad idea? How many times did you ever actually try it? If you're anything like me, the answer is not many, if you ever tried it at all. In this case, the advice in question came from my therapist. It concerned what he called the "balance of power" between my mum and me. Specifically, I thought that she knew I was bisexual because she had obvious privacy issues and went through my room once. Now I still don't know if I was accurate in this assumption and I don't care. But my therapist advised me thus:

"Just tell her. Then you don't have to worry about IF she knows. You KNOW she knows because YOU told her."

Now I came out with many reasons not to do this and put it off for a while. Frankly, after her reaction I really wished I hadn't bothered but after thinking it through over the course of a few weeks it turns out it was a good thing to do. I didn't have to worry about her finding out.

Now this issue obviously came around again in a much more serious way. I can't help but notice I dealt with it badly when I told mum, a mistake I don't plan on making again. As I have noticed over the last few weeks, work has been difficult. Not because my job is hard or I don't like it, but because I feel like I have to suppress Holly. I don't know why. It was starting to affect my work because I spent a lot of time worrying about it. What if the family I work for won't let me work any more? What if they hate me for it? Today, I took my therapists advice. After all, eventually they would find out. Eventually, when I can be Holly inside and out ALL the time they will HAVE to know. So I told the father, who shall be known as 'Nils' from here on out. I have spoken of Nils before and wondered where his thoughts lie on such things. I have known him to use some very un-PC language, some downright derogatory. But I thought to myself, even if he goes for the worst and says I can no longer work for him, I would rather know about it now than when I have to deal with everything the changeover brings.

I'm going to take this opportunity to thank my therapist, who will never read this most likely. Thank you!

Needless to say the advice was good. It wasn't 'inspired' or 'complex' or even something you need training for, but he got me to trust him enough to take it seriously. It worked.

I told Nils, and his reaction was great. I opened with "So as soon as it becomes possible, I intend to live the rest of my life as Holly!". To which he said simply "Oh, really?". He then told me how brave a decision it was and how he could be sure that they (his family) would stick by me. He is very fond of telling people how when it really comes down to it, you find out who your real friends are. I am pleased to discover he is one of ours. At one point he questioned if he would be able to employ me after the change because of social services. Then almost immediately he said "Hang on, that would be backing down like a coward AND discrimination! Sod that, you stay!"

I don't expect most people to react this way (although currently the majority have) but it is nice to see that those people I care about have so far been able to see through a complex issue and identify the important parts and still care about me!

Hey Dad, you know how you always wanted a daughter...

Where I either:
-analyse how to break the news to my father OR
-write an incoherent mess of thoughts...
...really it depends how calm and collected I can stay while panic writing.


Soon my father shall return from his holiday. I see the man once a fortnight at my grandparents house. To start with, I'm going to give some facts about my father in order to give you an idea where I am coming from with my concerns.

Dad has, in the past, attempted to use me as a control mechanism. He would make my life unnecessarily difficult in hopes that when I followed his instructions it would demonstrate the behaviour he expects from my step-sister. This eventually led to a period of around 6 months in which we did not speak. Or rather, I refused to speak to him.

My grandparents were always very religious. No TV on Sunday, evolution is a lie, that sort of thing. My dad insisted on taking us to church every week when we lived with him, so I can only assume that at least part of him is also religious. Having said that, as far as I know he has not been to church since he moved to his current house. I don't know if he is religious but doesn't express it, or isn't religious and just goes through the motions with his parents. It has always been a mystery and currently is a source of fear.

When I told him I was bisexual, he immediately hugged me. He thanked me for trusting him and said that my grandparents would "just have to deal with it" when they found out. This suggests that he understands the basic argument for accepting that which we cannot change.

Dad, much like my brother and myself, is stubborn as all hell. He is also not fond of discussing 'feelings'. There is a chance that he will take the news and do nothing with it. I have no idea how this will manifest. I don't know who he could talk to about it, so it would stay in his head. My brother and I fear that due to the past incidents of not talking, Dad will force himself to pretend he is OK with it. Eventually he will be unable to continue. I do NOT want that to happen.

I do not know my step-mum even half as much as I probably ought to. As such I have no idea how she would react. I assume that she would be fine with it. It seems like the kind of person she is. HOWEVER. I don't know how that extends to 'advice' and being able to talk someone down. Would dad even discuss it with her or seek her advice? I have no idea.

I am certain there is more in my head that could help, but I think these or the most important parts. Now the questions remain. How do I tell him? Where? What will he do or say?

I think it is fair to say that while I can usually gauge how dad will physically react to a situation, I have almost no idea what goes through his head. It also occurs to me that this is in no sense of the word one of those 'normal' everyday situations.

The where is reasonably simple, or at least getting a set of criteria is simple. Somewhere we can be reasonably isolated. Somewhere faaaaaar away from my grandparents. Somewhere I can get home from easily. The list is simple. I don't know how he will react. Could he be angry? Sad? Indifferent? Mum says I may have to accept that he won't want to speak to me for a couple of weeks. Could this be the case? Who knows.

How is more tricky. I could just go to him and tell him the same way I told my friend the other day. "As soon as it is possible to do so, I intend to live as Holly." I can elaborate from there when it is required. I was all set to write a "But I should consider..." paragraph but actually I won't. From my perspective (which I grant you is somewhat biased!) that is as plain as I can put it. If I explain my reasons and answer any questions, I have theoretically done my part.

How will he react? This is the part that worries me. More than anything it worries me. It worries me for two reasons. Firstly, because it is going to suck. I am hoping that he is more reasonable than she was (yes I understand her reasons, but she cut very VERY deep), but mum insists he won't be. The second is that however he reacts, I can fairly safely assume his parents will react worse. It is not something I am looking forward to. Part of my thinks he will be OK with it, that he won't understand it completely, but he won't go off the handle or start making cruel remarks. It hopes he is bigger than the stereotype mum is pushing. It thinks that Dad will be dad and that mum is just saying bad things to make her reaction seem better. The other part of me suspects this isn't true. I know I can't FORCE him to accept anything or to see it my way, but somehow I have to. I have to persuade him it's not a bad thing. My brother thinks mum should be there when I tell him. She is certainly in a much better position to do it now, but could I do that? Would I end up sat in a room with both my parents barely discussing a situation neither of them are informed of enough to pass judgement on? I don't know. Mum says at the very least he might need a hug, but "YOU might not be the one to give him it".

A big part of me thinks that mentioning the subject of telling dad to my mum was a mistake. I wasn't worried before, and now I am. I know all the things she says are potentially accurate, but to talk about it with her seems like denying the possibility of a positive outcome. To her eye, it seems, there is no WAY he could accept the news better than she did.

Oh well, we shall see how it goes...

The power of the mind

In which I discuss just how powerful the mind CAN be, and why I hope I'm not making it all up!

Today is one of those days that will either stay in my mind forever or I'll forget about completely, and it all depends on one man.

Today was a day like any other. I had gone to see Mr J, Mabel and Soos and was in full Holly mode. I was in an especially good mood because today I got new hair! It's so soft and pretty! It looks good on me, or at least I think so. We opted to take a routine trip to the shops for some snacks. The only difference being that today we would deposit some items at the charity shop on the way.

As we walked towards the shop, I decided to avoid going inside. As of yet Holly has not been fully released upon the world. Because of my little sisters and my mums concern about their reactions to the news I am supposed to keep it secret. But who would recognize me? Surely not a man I haven't seen in 2 or 3 weeks who I barely know.

Out from the shop come my friends. As we walk Soos suddenly begins to apologise. "I'm sorry! You've been outed!". Not the most appropriate of jokes but there you go. I play along. "No, really...he kept saying 'Thats *** isn't it? Is that ***?"...". I realise at time of writing that I neglected to enquire about his tone of voice. Was it merely curiosity? Was it one of disgust? It doesn't matter particularly but it would be interesting to know. When we were walking towards the shop I had become convinced the man knew. I even said as much.

For some time after that, I found myself giggling. Mr J thought to ask if this was good or bad. It could demonstrate panic or confidence. I wasn't sure then and I'm not sure now what the correct answer to this question was.

Two things have become apparent to me from this incident. The first relates to the way I look. The second to how I respond both internally and externally to the reactions of others. Both of these things will be hugely important probably for the rest of my life, and they will be key for the next few years.

In regard to how I look, my initial thought was one of concern. The man could identify despite the wig covering some of my face and the complete change in clothing style. Initially I felt this was a bad thing. All sorts of thoughts buzzed through my head. WHY was he able to identify me from such a distance. I could not identify other people working there who I was not expecting to see, so how could he have spotted me? Was it my face? My size? My tattoo? Do I not pass as a woman yet? I don't know the answers to these. I just about pass for a woman I think...however I'm sure I will be corrected. There are lots of things I need to do to pass better but they are not currently within my power!

I am currently torn about how to interpret this. On the one hand I could worry that I just don't pass. That instead of seeing a woman and thinking "Hang on, that's ***", did he look and think "That's *** in a skirt!". On the other hand, part of me thinks that it doesn't matter. Holly isn't a disguise. Holly isn't my attempt at erasing my past or moving away from 'me'. Holly is me. If he sees a woman and recognises the person he knows as ***, is that a bad thing? Does any of that make sense? Perhaps I'm just grasping at anything that could put a positive spin on the experience.

My second thought, as I stated, was to do with peoples reactions. There are so many things this man can do now. He might not care at all. Just accept it and move on. He might look upon me in disgust next time I go in to work. He might recall his experience to a work colleague! How will THEY react?

This thought is arguably the more pressing. I cannot worry myself about any of them. Firstly, because I cannot be certain which, if any, he will go for. Secondly, because if I start to worry about it, the pressure will build. I can worry about the reactions of family. Some of those will be difficult to deal with but I am certain deep down they are all good people, capable of seeing past any misconceptions or prejudices they may hold. But this man I barely know. If I worry about the reactions of strangers I open myself up to a world of unnecessary anxiety. Does it matter how he reacts? No. Not really. I'm a volunteer in the shop, he is an employee. If he, for whatever reason, decided to make life difficult, I can leave. I have no obligations. If he tells the other workers and it becomes a prime piece of gossip in the sorting room (I'm SURE it isn't THAT interesting, but who am I to judge the worth of gossip)? Does THAT matter? The answer, still, is no. Previously I may have made what my Mum would call "a bullish remark" about it. Something to the effect of 'If they don't like it, F**K 'em'. Holly is a happy girl, of that there is no question. I don't need to force anyone to accept it, nor do I need to hate anyone who doesn't. For my part, I continue as normal. Not 'normal' in the sense that I carry on male-mode. Normal for me. I carry on as Holly. I continue to be happy. If someone makes life difficult there, I'm protected by discrimination acts and company policies. But I shouldn't NEED them. I hope I won't. If someone takes issue to something that has made me truly happy, then they are trying to take away happiness. I don't know many people who would revel in making someone unhappy, especially those giving there free time to help others.

Will I experience bad reactions in the future? Almost certainly. There's a lot of arseholes out there. There are also many more people who just don't understand. Who have never considered it. If I need to get technical then fine, but for now I aim to just prove it does what I say it does. It' makes me ME. It has made me HAPPY. It has made me the person I want to be.

If all that fails, and people are still bad, should I worry? No. Will I? Maybe. Another of my friends told me yesterday "Be careful. If out school years proved anything it's that peoples words hurt". He isn't wrong. But hopefully with the techniques I've learned in my CBT group and the support of people who DO care about me, I won't need to worry about the others. Did any of that make sense? Who knows, but I feel better for having written it.

On an entirely unrelated note another thing became clear today. I really wish it hadn't become clear in the way that it did, but still. I made a joke I've made many times before. Mr J told me to think long term about something political. Specifically to think 30 years in the future. Without thinking, I went to my go-to line. "Eh, I don't plan to live that long!". Homer Simpson said something similar once and it stuck with me. Of course until now, I have never thought long term. One of the downsides of depression is that you don't feel the need to plan anything. What's the point! Mr J got angry for reasons I won't be going in to. I didn't fully appreciate why at first, and even when he finished I admit I didn't feel much different about it. However within about 10 minutes I felt bad. Really bad. Not JUST because I had hurt my friends feelings. No. What made me sad was when I realised the full extent of that joke and its implications. For as long as I can remember, it has been completely accurate. I never had planned on living that long and I certainly didn't think I ever would. What makes it worse is that I don't feel that any more. At all. I don't wish I was gone. I don't feel I'd have been better if I wasn't born. I don't want to remove myself from this cruel world. For once I'm happy. I have a good future ahead of me, even if I don't know much about what it will involve. I don't HAVE a plan, but I could MAKE one. That made me feel worse than anything. The joke doesn't even make SENSE any more and I said it, and made a friend angry and sad. Which sucks.

Witty title, serious content

In which I tell of how Holly interacts with Mr J, and other such interesting stories!

So today we study Mr J. Mr J and I have been friends for over a decade now. He's one of my best-est best friends on this whole planet of Earth! Yesterday he met Holly for the first time in person. See he lives quite far away now. We talk every day on-line, he was the first person to know about Holly and has helped me no end, so yesterday's meeting was quite exciting. I'll get to that in a moment, but first I'm going to splice in some words of wisdom Mr J has given me in the last few months, and if I think of any more I'll add them later.

Mr J: Take responsibility, bitch!
Historically, whenever I've had a goal that took any effort, it might go something like this:
"I'm going to do something...nah just kidding, can you imagine?! Pfff that's crazy!"
I would say it out loud, pretend it was a joke then pretend I never said it. Obviously nothing ever got done. It was a convenient way of expressing a desire to do something, then not having to worry about whether I managed to do it or not. Every time it would be an easy get out. This was not helped by the fact that it boy-mode I have absolutely NO motivation to improve myself, I've always thought 'well why bother'. Not the case as Holly, but old habbits die hard.

I recently expressed a desire to lose weight. I need to lets be clear, but no matter how many times a medical person says "You might feel happier/better if you do" it never has any effect on me. It just gets annoying. Losing weight also happens to be the easiest goal to quit on because it takes SO much effort to see any results quickly. However in this instance, the goal was different. Instead of 'I should lose some weight', the goal came from a thought I had that made me feel weird and fuzzy inside. I expressed this thought to Mr J. "One day I want to be able to wear a bikini and feel good about it!". I had an actual goal in mind, not just 'lose some weight' but look good in a bikini for my own sake! Now having said it out loud, several things sprang to mind. 1. It will take a long time. 2. I imagined myself hiding behind a towel. 3. It's so much EFFORT. I expressed the second of these to Mr J and jokingly brushed the goal aside "Nah, I think I'd just end up hiding under a towel, I couldn't do that!". Old habits kicking in to destroy my goals. Then Mr J turned round and said: No! Stop doing that! You can't lie to me, you want that and you KNOW you want that. I think you WOULD go around in a bikini. I think you'd LOVE it! You've made a goal, now own it and work towards it!". It may seem that what Mr J said was just common sense, but as it turns out when you spend as long as I have pretending that goals aren't really a thing and that working towards something is setting yourself up for the inevitable failure, you forget all of it. I've tried my hardest to embrace this idea since then and I will elaborate on it later.


Back to yesterday. The last time I saw Mr J (as I believe I have mentioned before), he acted weird for about 10 minutes. As it turns out it was because I was smiling. Properly smiling. Now since I started to realise ' Holly' I've been happier than I can ever remember being. I remarked yesterday that at times it has felt like my eyes were sparkling lasers! Smiling is not something I am used to, or something my best friends are used to seeing on my face for extended periods of time. This would be the first time Mr J saw 'Holly' in person and I would be smiling. I would be happy. I would be me. There are all sorts of sentimental mushy reasons why Mr J meeting Holly was exciting for me and I wouldn't know where to begin trying to describe them. Needless to say it felt like a combination of butterflies in the stomach and the feeling you get just before the BIG dip on a roller coaster. I hope that makes sense to someone reading this.


Interlude 2! Advice: Mr J Style.
Ever wanted to give advice to a friend? Try it Mr J style. Think the compliment sandwich but in reverse. You may read this and think it sounds mean. It isn't. I mean it might be, but that's the way we do things! See Mr J and I are firm believes in the idea that criticism is not a bad thing. If it helps you improve and reach your goal, ultimately it is worth knowing, even if it feels bad to hear. So when I heard "Holly, you hug wrong!" I won't take that as an insult, because what comes next will help me overall. "Arms lower down, near the lower back, and don't pat!". When I hug, I hug BIG. Wide arms up by the shoulders and if you don't hear something break you're doing it wrong. Not very lady-like! The thing is I don't KNOW these things. I don't ever want to be the 'perfect lady' at the expense of myself, but I do want to be a girl. I almost pass until I talk or DO something that is overly male, and my hug is overly male. The next hug was exactly right according to Mr J. This advice style works because it demonstrates something to you. If you get cross with it, you know it matters. If you really REALLY don't care, then it doesn't matter. It helps me decide what is important to me even if I can't work it out or accept it myself. So when I hear "Holly, you've GOT to do something about your eyebrows!" I know why...and eventually I will!


Aaaaaaaand we're back to yesterday. After about an a hour and a half of sitting and chatting, being told I wasn't sitting correctly and throwing a fake boob at one of my friends I had to leave for work. I'm not out as Holly at work so I have to re-male. The difference was shocking. I've not walked out of a room hearing how happy I look one minute only to return to the same group telling me how grumpy and miserable I look before. It was unpleasant. I know I didn't feel great. But the apparent difference in my expression was concerning to say the least.

Now it's not the clothes or the hair that makes me happy. It helps, but that isn't it. If I know from when I get up in the morning to when I go to bed, I won't have the chance to be Holly outside and in, I can deal with the day. I can smile and get on with things. It's not great, but it's not the worst thing. When I can be Holly fully and then I have to stop, then it changes. Even though I know in my head I'm still Holly, by being basically forced to take part of that away for the convenience of others feels horrible. I hate it. I don't know why it feels so bad exactly. It just feels like at one moment I was whole, and then I'm pushing myself aside.

On my return from work another thing became clear. Every so often my Mum will ask me "How do you know this isn't a phase?". The simple answer is 'I just do'. The long answer I'm fairly sure I've covered, but I might not have. Maybe I'll write about it, who knows. When  returned from work I had my answer. When I'm Holly, not necessarily dressed up but when I'm sitting here as I am now, thinking as Holly and not pretending to be something else, I can get things done. I might occasionally think about clothes or how I'm ever going to find a nice pair of boots, but things get done. It is just like  NO! It IS normal. It is exactly how normal should be. When I'm at work or out with people who don't know and I feel I have to push it down just in case I let slip, all I can think of is how much it sucks. I'm not thinking of new shoes or places I can go. I'm not thinking of my uni work or my dog. I'm standing there thinking "Why why WHY can't I just turn around and say NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME, I'LL BE HOLLY!" One day it will happen.

After work, we went to the shops. We needed food. A girls gotta eat! Now Mr J has been really helpful. In addition to telling me to accept that I really DO want to lose weight and in his words "Be able to stand on a beach next to MABLE looking amazing!", he has helped me come up with some form of diet plan. It resembles many diet plans I suppose in the sense that it cuts out a lot of the good things in life and involves eating healthy things, but damn it, I want my bikini so I'm going for it. Now we spent a lot of time thinking of things I can eat to lose weight, so if anyone reading this who knows me in person sees me eating too much or something that's not good for me and it ISN'T a Friday, tell me! Either way I had to try 'quorn' which wasn't bad at all!


How to compliment like Mr J.
Transitioning is a weird and wonderful place. I get to do things that come naturally to me, and learn some others. Other people get to see the person they've known for years suddenly acting girly! This is where the Mr J compliment comes in. I must state for the record, that no matter how bad this sounds when I write it, it makes perfect sense for our friends group! He's really wonderful, not an arsehole I promise! <3
"Do that again! Do that little arm thing you just did!" (and there was much laughter!) "Now you did another one! HA! What? It's cute! Do it again!" At this point I mentioned I was getting self-concious (not a phrase I've ever used before) and I could feel myself blushing. To the untrained eye, this is cruel. Laughing at the actions of a friend. However, what Mr J has done is identified something I have done naturally. Something that IS feminine. Not something I've learned from someone else or I've read up on, just a thing my body has done naturally that it has NEVER DONE BEFORE. By pointing it out, he's made me aware of it. Not so I can feel bad but so I can realise the progress I have made, which otherwise I would not have noticed. By laughing he's made me feel comfortable with it. It IS unusual to see me doing things like this because I'm not usually expressive. But I know that laugh comes from seeing me inadvertently express something, By saying it was cute. Well...tell me I've done anything cute and you've made my day! Later on I was checking to see if the colour had run on one of my favourite skirts. Again, laughter. I ask him what it was. He explained that when I had picked things up in the past, it is very careless. He demonstrated by picking up a t-shirt with a fist, this is exactly what I have done in the past. "But THIS time..." he told me. This time I had picked the corners of the waistband between the thumb and forefinger of each hand very carefully, and examined it. I had been gentle and treated the skirt with care. THIS as he so rightly pointed out was completely different to what he is used to seeing, and I had done it without thinking. Laughter seems to be a good way of dealing with the unfamiliar.

The best thing that came from yesterdays meeting was one throw away line. I was sat in boy clothes on my bed. No wig or boobs or make-up. I was Holly-in-my-head as I often am at home. Mr J happened to turn around and say "It's so weird without your hair! You're in male clothes". Acceptance bitches!

Holly. X

P.S
A quick note to Mable, Soos and Dipper. Don't for a moment think your contributions to this whole thing are not worthy of mention, they are. You guys mean the absolute world to me, but this was buzzing around in my head and needed to come out! You'll get your blog post soon enough! <3<3<3