So today we study Mr J. Mr J and I have been friends for over a decade now. He's one of my best-est best friends on this whole planet of Earth! Yesterday he met Holly for the first time in person. See he lives quite far away now. We talk every day on-line, he was the first person to know about Holly and has helped me no end, so yesterday's meeting was quite exciting. I'll get to that in a moment, but first I'm going to splice in some words of wisdom Mr J has given me in the last few months, and if I think of any more I'll add them later.
Mr J: Take responsibility, bitch!
Historically, whenever I've had a goal that took any effort, it might go something like this:
"I'm going to do something...nah just kidding, can you imagine?! Pfff that's crazy!"
I would say it out loud, pretend it was a joke then pretend I never said it. Obviously nothing ever got done. It was a convenient way of expressing a desire to do something, then not having to worry about whether I managed to do it or not. Every time it would be an easy get out. This was not helped by the fact that it boy-mode I have absolutely NO motivation to improve myself, I've always thought 'well why bother'. Not the case as Holly, but old habbits die hard.
I recently expressed a desire to lose weight. I need to lets be clear, but no matter how many times a medical person says "You might feel happier/better if you do" it never has any effect on me. It just gets annoying. Losing weight also happens to be the easiest goal to quit on because it takes SO much effort to see any results quickly. However in this instance, the goal was different. Instead of 'I should lose some weight', the goal came from a thought I had that made me feel weird and fuzzy inside. I expressed this thought to Mr J. "One day I want to be able to wear a bikini and feel good about it!". I had an actual goal in mind, not just 'lose some weight' but look good in a bikini for my own sake! Now having said it out loud, several things sprang to mind. 1. It will take a long time. 2. I imagined myself hiding behind a towel. 3. It's so much EFFORT. I expressed the second of these to Mr J and jokingly brushed the goal aside "Nah, I think I'd just end up hiding under a towel, I couldn't do that!". Old habits kicking in to destroy my goals. Then Mr J turned round and said: No! Stop doing that! You can't lie to me, you want that and you KNOW you want that. I think you WOULD go around in a bikini. I think you'd LOVE it! You've made a goal, now own it and work towards it!". It may seem that what Mr J said was just common sense, but as it turns out when you spend as long as I have pretending that goals aren't really a thing and that working towards something is setting yourself up for the inevitable failure, you forget all of it. I've tried my hardest to embrace this idea since then and I will elaborate on it later.
Back to yesterday. The last time I saw Mr J (as I believe I have mentioned before), he acted weird for about 10 minutes. As it turns out it was because I was smiling. Properly smiling. Now since I started to realise ' Holly' I've been happier than I can ever remember being. I remarked yesterday that at times it has felt like my eyes were sparkling lasers! Smiling is not something I am used to, or something my best friends are used to seeing on my face for extended periods of time. This would be the first time Mr J saw 'Holly' in person and I would be smiling. I would be happy. I would be me. There are all sorts of sentimental mushy reasons why Mr J meeting Holly was exciting for me and I wouldn't know where to begin trying to describe them. Needless to say it felt like a combination of butterflies in the stomach and the feeling you get just before the BIG dip on a roller coaster. I hope that makes sense to someone reading this.
Interlude 2! Advice: Mr J Style.
Ever wanted to give advice to a friend? Try it Mr J style. Think the compliment sandwich but in reverse. You may read this and think it sounds mean. It isn't. I mean it might be, but that's the way we do things! See Mr J and I are firm believes in the idea that criticism is not a bad thing. If it helps you improve and reach your goal, ultimately it is worth knowing, even if it feels bad to hear. So when I heard "Holly, you hug wrong!" I won't take that as an insult, because what comes next will help me overall. "Arms lower down, near the lower back, and don't pat!". When I hug, I hug BIG. Wide arms up by the shoulders and if you don't hear something break you're doing it wrong. Not very lady-like! The thing is I don't KNOW these things. I don't ever want to be the 'perfect lady' at the expense of myself, but I do want to be a girl. I almost pass until I talk or DO something that is overly male, and my hug is overly male. The next hug was exactly right according to Mr J. This advice style works because it demonstrates something to you. If you get cross with it, you know it matters. If you really REALLY don't care, then it doesn't matter. It helps me decide what is important to me even if I can't work it out or accept it myself. So when I hear "Holly, you've GOT to do something about your eyebrows!" I know why...and eventually I will!
Aaaaaaaand we're back to yesterday. After about an a hour and a half of sitting and chatting, being told I wasn't sitting correctly and throwing a fake boob at one of my friends I had to leave for work. I'm not out as Holly at work so I have to re-male. The difference was shocking. I've not walked out of a room hearing how happy I look one minute only to return to the same group telling me how grumpy and miserable I look before. It was unpleasant. I know I didn't feel great. But the apparent difference in my expression was concerning to say the least.
Now it's not the clothes or the hair that makes me happy. It helps, but that isn't it. If I know from when I get up in the morning to when I go to bed, I won't have the chance to be Holly outside and in, I can deal with the day. I can smile and get on with things. It's not great, but it's not the worst thing. When I can be Holly fully and then I have to stop, then it changes. Even though I know in my head I'm still Holly, by being basically forced to take part of that away for the convenience of others feels horrible. I hate it. I don't know why it feels so bad exactly. It just feels like at one moment I was whole, and then I'm pushing myself aside.
On my return from work another thing became clear. Every so often my Mum will ask me "How do you know this isn't a phase?". The simple answer is 'I just do'. The long answer I'm fairly sure I've covered, but I might not have. Maybe I'll write about it, who knows. When returned from work I had my answer. When I'm Holly, not necessarily dressed up but when I'm sitting here as I am now, thinking as Holly and not pretending to be something else, I can get things done. I might occasionally think about clothes or how I'm ever going to find a nice pair of boots, but things get done.
After work, we went to the shops. We needed food. A girls gotta eat! Now Mr J has been really helpful. In addition to telling me to accept that I really DO want to lose weight and in his words "Be able to stand on a beach next to MABLE looking amazing!", he has helped me come up with some form of diet plan. It resembles many diet plans I suppose in the sense that it cuts out a lot of the good things in life and involves eating healthy things, but damn it, I want my bikini so I'm going for it. Now we spent a lot of time thinking of things I can eat to lose weight, so if anyone reading this who knows me in person sees me eating too much or something that's not good for me and it ISN'T a Friday, tell me! Either way I had to try 'quorn' which wasn't bad at all!
How to compliment like Mr J.
Transitioning is a weird and wonderful place. I get to do things that come naturally to me, and learn some others. Other people get to see the person they've known for years suddenly acting girly! This is where the Mr J compliment comes in. I must state for the record, that no matter how bad this sounds when I write it, it makes perfect sense for our friends group! He's really wonderful, not an arsehole I promise! <3
"Do that again! Do that little arm thing you just did!" (and there was much laughter!) "Now you did another one! HA! What? It's cute! Do it again!" At this point I mentioned I was getting self-concious (not a phrase I've ever used before) and I could feel myself blushing. To the untrained eye, this is cruel. Laughing at the actions of a friend. However, what Mr J has done is identified something I have done naturally. Something that IS feminine. Not something I've learned from someone else or I've read up on, just a thing my body has done naturally that it has NEVER DONE BEFORE. By pointing it out, he's made me aware of it. Not so I can feel bad but so I can realise the progress I have made, which otherwise I would not have noticed. By laughing he's made me feel comfortable with it. It IS unusual to see me doing things like this because I'm not usually expressive. But I know that laugh comes from seeing me inadvertently express something, By saying it was cute. Well...tell me I've done anything cute and you've made my day! Later on I was checking to see if the colour had run on one of my favourite skirts. Again, laughter. I ask him what it was. He explained that when I had picked things up in the past, it is very careless. He demonstrated by picking up a t-shirt with a fist, this is exactly what I have done in the past. "But THIS time..." he told me. This time I had picked the corners of the waistband between the thumb and forefinger of each hand very carefully, and examined it. I had been gentle and treated the skirt with care. THIS as he so rightly pointed out was completely different to what he is used to seeing, and I had done it without thinking. Laughter seems to be a good way of dealing with the unfamiliar.
The best thing that came from yesterdays meeting was one throw away line. I was sat in boy clothes on my bed. No wig or boobs or make-up. I was Holly-in-my-head as I often am at home. Mr J happened to turn around and say "It's so weird without your hair! You're in male clothes". Acceptance bitches!
Holly. X
P.S
A quick note to Mable, Soos and Dipper. Don't for a moment think your contributions to this whole thing are not worthy of mention, they are. You guys mean the absolute world to me, but this was buzzing around in my head and needed to come out! You'll get your blog post soon enough! <3<3<3
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