In which I discuss the reason my Mum felt the need to beg my forgiveness!
Since telling my Mum I'm trans, she has made one thing perfectly clear. The only person she wanted to talk to was my Aunt (her sister).
There are several problems with this as far as I am concerned.
1. I've not told my Dad yet and until he knows, I'm not telling anyone else
2. It's not her place to tell my Aunt, it's mine
3. I don't know if I can trust my Aunt to keep it quiet (even though Mum swears I can)
4. I don't know how my Aunt will react
5. I don't know my Aunts level of experience with issues like this.
Now I have explained to my Mum previously the issues I have with her 'thinking it over' in her head. She has no information. Her ideas of trans people come from media stereotypes and a "guy who wears mini-skirts and hairy-legs in tights". She also had an initial gut feeling that it was wrong. She admitted once that she thought it was a mental illness that required "fixing". I told her it didn't matter how many times she went over it in her head, if all her information was negative then all her conclusions would be negative. She could go over it until the end of time but it will always go the same way.
She decided talking to my aunt would be the best solution to this. However after a series of arguments in which I explained how my aunt likely had no more experience in the area than she did it would not necessarily do me any favours. I, after all, have no desire to have mum come back with her negative ideas compounded by the empathy she found from my aunt. This left her with no options. Which led to her begging my forgiveness while we were walking the dog.
I think I've done something very bad. I'm so sorry! I did something you expressly told me not to do. I didn't know what else to do and I had to!
These were Mums introduction. I don't know what brought this apology on, other than she felt guilty. We hadn't been talking about the issue as far as I can recall, but apparently it got to her and she had to confess. I asked her what exactly she had done.
I know you told me not to, but I ended up talking to (friend) about you!
She paused for a moment, possibly expecting me to react and yell. I said nothing and continued listening. I should point out at this stage that the friend in question I do not know very well. I've met her a few times but I know nothing about her except she has a daughter who is friends with one of my sisters. Either way, we have no relationship that could possibly be ruined by her knowing and thus I wasn't hugely bothered by it. However, what came next I was amazed by.
See she lived in London and you see all sorts of people in London and I thought if anyone would understand it would be her! So I told her about you and she said ... "That's fantastic! I'm so pleased he's found out who he wants to be and is comfortable with it! When we were in London you would see all sorts of people every day so you learn about how different everybody is!" ... I asked if (her daughter) knew about (trans people) and how she had explained it because I was worried about how to tell the girls! ... "One day we were on the tube and these two ladies who were obviously guys got on (Holly's note: Although I'm not 100% pleased with how she phrased it, and nobody else should phrase things that way when talking about trans people, I'll let it slide for the purposes of the story!) and (my daughter) said something about them and I just said 'they used to be men. sometimes people are just born in the wrong shell' and she accepted it and moved on.
Every so often, Mum would look at me, and appeared to be almost anticipating an explosion of unbridled rage from me. She would pause every so often and look to see how I was taking it. By the end of her story/admission she had explained that this friend had offered to take her and the girls on a trip to London a few times when she felt ready to tell my sisters in order to get them used to diversity (we are a fairly non-diverse area unless you hit the nearest city). She said that she would always be there for her even if Mum's other friends decided they wanted nothing to do with her and that she and her daughter would be happy to be there for moral support when Mum told the girls.
Mum continued every so often to throw in the words "I'm really sorry!" and the alike. She was terrified that I would be angry that she had broken my trust.
I explained to her that she had done the most sensible thing she could have done. She decided to ask help from someone who could provide a positive, tolerant and informed view on the subject, even though they didn't necessarily know about it first hand. She picked a friend who would be able to tell her that it's not something to be worried about or that it will be the worst thing ever. She is now able to go to my aunt and talk to her and in her own words "bring her on to MY side" - in other words, if my aunt isn't as capable of accepting the situation as Mum thought, she can now persuade her it's a good thing.
Ultimately, while I did tell her it wasn't her place to tell anyone, I think she did a great job of handling the situation and has now found herself in a position where her foundations for acceptance are based on positive thoughts. No longer is Holly the unfortunate evil side-effect of a mental disorder. Now Holly has a chance to be the wonderful daughter! Next step - Dad...that'll be fun...
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