The best day ever

In which I tell of what I consider to be one of the most wonderful days I've had.

Two days ago (or early yesterday morning if you want to be technical) 'Holly' made a post and it felt great. I started not being able to understand my own thoughts, and as is often the way with my writing, by the time I had written some bits down everything started to fall in to place. The considered conclusion being that I can say with confidence that I am transgender. My name is Holly and I am a girl stuck in this fleshy sack of man that is Nespus.

Yesterday I was brave. Several of my friends know about Holly. I've told them what goes on in my head and they have been wonderful. Both accepting and encouraging (in a 'be yourself, we love you anyway' sort of way, not a 'yeah you should definitely be a woman like RIGHT NOW kind of thing!). But until yesterday only two of them had met Holly in any real sense. I gave them a picture once and that was all.

Yesterday, three of my friends spent the day with Holly. Initially I asked permission from them just to be sure it wouldn't make them uncomfortable and they immediately told me that I didn't need to have asked and should just be comfortable with myself!

We had to walk the dog during the afternoon. When we walk her, I take her out of town and into a series of fields about 5-10 minutes walk from my house to run around. For months it has been my dream to walk through them 'dressed' (when this started I didn't even know who Holly was properly!). Within 2 minutes of walking out of the front door we encountered our first strangers. Strangers and a gust of wind. The wind caught my skirt but I managed to keep it down. THIS I thought, was my first PROPER experience. I've never dealt with this before, it was a little embarrassing, but it felt good in a way. When we were in the fields, I asked one of my friends how passable I was. He considered this and concluded that my posture seemed strange (it was!) and I don't have girl-boobs (I don't). Not the worst review in the world I suppose. It occurred to me that a lot of my posture was due to hiding. I was not completely aware of it until then but I was really nervous. I was walking like I normally would - I make myself look bigger to avoid attackers...I shouldn't need to but that's how it is! - and it did look strange. The boobs thing I can live with. I never want HUGE boobs. The rest of the day I tried to correct this.

The day continued as our normal Saturdays do. We played video games and chatted. My friends tried their hardest to remember to call me Holly, but after 10 years of calling me something else, I cannot find it in me to be upset that they struggled. It takes time and they tried really hard!

We went over to my friends house when our group had fully assembled. One of my friends (a cis-female) brought with her some spray things and some hair bands for me to try. She put a red hairband with a bow on my head and I got tingles from head to toe. For years my internal goal (if I admit it or not) is cuteness. This was the first time I might look cute and it was exciting. I looked in the mirror and saw myself. Long hair. Red hairband. Some very subtle eye-liner. I didn't see some stranger or just a bloke in womens attire. I saw me. I saw Holly. I felt exactly how I should. I didn't take the hair band off all evening...when I left I very nearly stole it by accident!

Later we took a bigger step. We went shopping in Tesco. About 5 seconds after walking in the front door of what has been for many years the primary food-shopping location for everyone in our area I became incredibly nervous. We looked at clothes, we considered just getting the drinks we came in for, but I reasoned that since one of the three was moving to university at the end of the month the chances of me being able to organise a group I felt remotely confident with easily were slim and I wanted to use the opportunity I had. So we looked at clothes and moved on.

Half way round the shop, and after talking extensively to my friends I realised something important. I am not doing anything wrong. To others, I am dressed in 'womens' clothing. But I'm not causing harm. I am merely being true to myself. The worst things that could happen in the middle of a shop are I get a few looks or comments OR someone I know recognises me and I have to explain later. This was the point I realised my problems came from not wanting to be inconvenienced by conversation from people who might not understand, not because I actually worried about what people would say. Suddenly, I found my confidence flooding back. My back straightened, my head was held...not high as such but certainly higher than it was. I didn't try to hide as much. It felt wonderful.

The evening played out as it usually does. I found myself at times thinking about how amazing the situation was. When the subject of cross-dressing was put to my mum she freaked out and told me how it was against the natural order. But here I was, in my friends house with a small group of friends. We walked the dog, we went shopping. We had our normal Saturday get-together as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I know my family won't take it particularly well when they have to find out but honestly, that is their problem. My friends have demonstrated to me that there are people who accept me for me no-matter who that happens to be. Eventually my family may come round to the idea but I have my friends support and that means everything to me.

I came home, removed the wig I had been wearing all day (I've never worn one for more than about half and hour before) and sat at my computer and talked to my friend. I don't remember the last time I typed so much, so quickly out of pure excitement. I told him the events of the day, every detail I could think of.

He asked me how I felt. I thought about this for a moment. What I realised was this:

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. When the tablets first started to work properly I suddenly realised what it meant to feel 'normal'. Today was like that. I felt how I should. Happy and comfortable and I felt like ME. I went to bed truly happy for the first time in months.

Yesterday was amazing.