Mum, I'm a woman!

In which I tell of the third argument about gender issues between my mother and I.

This evening my family returned from their weekend away. As expected, my mother strolled into my room and asked me if I was OK and if I had enjoyed my weekend. I told her that my weekend was excellent but didn't really respond to how I was. She asked again, and I shrugged. She continued to press the question.
In retrospect it is my own fault, I could have said 'Yes I'm fine' and been done with it but I'm tired of having to hide myself away for her sake. I ended up hugging her for about 10 minutes in complete silence almost in tears.

Instead I chose to tell her. "I'm not sure if I'm OK. I feel great, but I'm not completely OK!" I told her. Of course this made no sense to her and she became worried. I told her to shut the door and I would try and explain.

Instead of explaining I spent about 20 minutes staring at nothing. In her direction but not 'at' her, more 'through' her. Eventually I decided on a starting point. I asked her if she remembered our previous discussions. It became clear very quickly that she did not. She could not remember what she had said to upset me or even the subject we were discussing. She certainly could not recall what I had asked her to think about in our first argument. It was at this point I very nearly broke down in tears. My whole body was shaking and I felt awful. The last three weeks have been dreadful for me as I have tried not to bring the subject up to give her time to process the idea or to let her deal with it in her own time. To have her forget was hurtful and insulting.

I reminded her of the things she said. I reminded her that she had never asked a question since it began. It was highly unpleasant. Eventually she decided we had been talking about cross-dressing. She explained how she didn't understand it and told me how "They all look awful! Why would you want to make yourself stand out like that?". After a while of arguing she told me that I was just talking in circles. "I don't understand what you're talking about. You keep talking in code and you never answer anything. You never talk about anything relevant!"

At this point I realised I just needed to come out with it or this argument could continue forever. "OK relevant. I'm fairly certain I'm a woman!" I said, somewhat more forcefully than perhaps I intended. I tried in vain to explain that I wouldn't talk about some of the reasons (nobody wants to discuss body dysmorphia with their mum!) and others I couldn't really explain easily. It was then that she asked me how I knew it wasn't just a phase.

How do you know it isn't just a phase? A long phase perhaps!?
How do I know. This is one question I see coming up a lot. I asked her what she thought I should do if it was a phase. She told me to ignore it. This response caused me to answer her question with another question. "How long is a long phase? How long do I wait?". She had no answer for this. She actually got angry at me for asking it. She claimed I was avoiding the question. I explained to her that I could ignore it for 10 years and still keep telling myself it's just a phase and I would get over it. I did with depression and that didn't go well!

I understand where she is coming from. From her perspective this is all sudden. For all she knows, yesterday morning I decided I am female and it's been an instant thing. In reality it's been around for over 5 years I've just never payed much attention to it. I explained this to her, although it didn't really sink in.

Her next port of call was to question my use of the internet. She is a woman who does not like or use the internet. To her, the internet is just the things she assumes about facebook. To her, the whole internet is just random people spreading rubbish and lies in order to deceive. I offered her the sentiment that when I started giving her nursing advice (as she has been a nurse most of her life) then she could advise me on matters of the internet. It wasn't a clever move but it made a point. She was worried that I was being 'deceived by perverts' who could lie about anything and encourage me to become weird. She did not appreciate me asking why she thought I was incapable to identifying these people. Eventually I managed to convince her that my source of advice were legitimate. Things progressed slightly easier from here.

I tried to explain to her the 'why' of the situation. I told her of the girl in my head and how she had been there for years. She didn't quite understand it and questioned why I wouldn't just try and work on my emotions. She said that men can have feminine traits. Unfortunately I couldn't quite come up with words to explain why that missed the point. I moved on to a different tactic. I told her that if I had to imagine what she would call 'the soul' as a person, it was a girl. Always. I don't believe in a soul but it was the only thing I could think of that would be close enough to something she might understand.

She did.

From there, things were slightly easier. I told her how I had no intention of rushing in to anything and that I wasn't going to suddenly turn around and demand everything change immediately. I even told her about my day out on Saturday. I told her how amazing it felt to be dressed and to be me. I'm not convinced she fully appreciates it but hopefully she will get there in time.