In which the part of Mums brain I approve of wins over for a while.
There is something about walking a dog that lends itself to meaningful (or sometimes pointless philosophical) conversation. Today, after discussing the fate of a family we are friends with, the conversation turned, as it often does, to how I am feeling.
As it happens, apart from being ill, today I felt good and I said as much. So instead I asked about the date of a show we would be attending soon. I knew it was in October, and I had high hopes of not having to go out in man-mode. Ordinarily it wouldn't matter too much (although it would be disappointing) but this one is special. Allow me to explain.
In 2005, I went to my first music festival. I saw a band there who I was well aware of at the time but didn't fully appreciate. I came home and immediately told my brother and they have been our favourite group ever since. The next time we saw them my brother had managed to get us 'Meet-and-greet' passes. We saw a sound check set, met the band, got some things signed and got a photo taken. Since I saw them first, we have seen them play around 15 times. This is their final UK tour and we planned to take those photos to get signed. Becoming Holly fully is a huge step in my life and I can't think of anything I would like more than to have them sign the old picture of me but sign it to Holly. I'm not sure why it just feels right. Like the new chapter linking to the old. I'm not good with emotions...maybe one day I'll be able to explain it better!
Anyway as it turns out the gig is three weeks away. I was thinking it was towards the end so I could give Mum some time to prepare. I didn't say anything but apparently I looked pretty miserable when she told me. After a little while, Mum asked what the matter was. She gave me her usual "what did I (not) do?". I told her.
"When we go to the gig, I'm not going like this!" I gestured to my current 'male' attire.
What happened next was suprising. Mainly because it so clearly demonstrated firstly how Mums brain works, but secondly how capable she is of reason (something she seems to forget often!).
"I'm not ready!" she declared. This made me sad for obvious reasons. I fully expected her to say it and ideally I would have given her longer. I was just about to explain to her that it was important to me when she said "How will I tell the girls!?". This was when I realised the problem fully and was able to point it out. I never expected her to tell my sisters this early. I don't fully expect HER to come to terms with it completely by then. I told her this and she said "But I have to talk to my sister about it! She needs time to get to grips with it so she can tell the others" (my uncle and cousins". This demonstrated to me a problem. If anyone is telling ANYONE about this it will be me. I don't WANT my aunt telling my cousins or anyone else for that matter. When I want people to know, they will hear it from me. She suggested that I clearly wanted to be able to go to my aunts at Christmas as Holly. I have no illusions of my life being that easy. I would LOVE to be able to dress up nice and attend but it's not going to be that simple. I'll be suprised if Mum is comfortable with it by then, let alone comfortable enough to allow that.
Then she said something I wasn't expecting. She brought up how when she was a nurse, one of the Gynecologists "decided to be a woman". I explained how 'decided' wasn't the ideal word and then questioned why she kept bringing up how people have reacted to things like this. She explained to me that everyone she knows from her generation seems to have reacted in a gossipy way to things like this. "I'm worried that I just think well I want you to be happy but everyone else thinks something else!". Now Mum did not appreciate what she had just said here. "I want you to be happy". In the middle of one sentence she had expressed concern that her thoughts on the subject didn't match those she thought other people might have. In other words, she though against the perceived 'norm' in my favour. I gave her a huge hug immediately although she had no idea why.
After I had explained what I expected and how little she actually needed to do things calmed down. I offered, if it would make it easier, to go somewhere with Holly before the gig so she wasn't freaking out so much on the day. She is considering this.
At this point she did react how I expected. "I might have to vet your clothes so I know I can be seen with you!". Despite how badly this is worded, this is Mum talk for 'Please don't dress slutty!". Unfortunately her only experience with this type of thing is media stereotypes so her brain has nowhere to go even though she knows that's not who I am. For her sake I will show her my wardrobe (after all, I intend to be wearing it a lot more often soon!). I will be making it very clear that under no circumstances will I be getting rid of ANYTHING she doesn't approve of. I don't feel I should have to do this, but I really want to get rid of this idea that trans people MUST be doing it for some sort of sexual kick or that they all dress like slags!
The rest of the walk turned to jokes. I don't remember any of them except they were light hearted and vaguely related to my situation. But they came from a good place. It wasn't the type of nervous reaction I have had in the past from her. The jokes weren't being made for a lack of anything else to say or the fear of an awkward silence. They seemed genuine. Theoretically, Mum has made a big step towards accepting me for me and I'm really happy about that!
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