In which I use the opportunity to spill the contents of my brain and hope it makes some sort of sense at the end.
Today, in this blog post, I am writing not as Nespus, nor as Ellia. Nor as my given name. (Big shock, we are all the same person...gasp!)
Today I write as Holly.
Two weeks ago I made a post on a different website that I had intended to post here called "The girl in my head". It has been the longest two weeks of my life.
The post in question was the result of my brain failing. I could not sleep. My mind was racing. I had to get all the thoughts I had out of my head. In it I described the Girl who has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I've never really though much about her except that when I struggle to outwardly express an emotion I see her in my mind emoting for me. If I feel happy, she may cheer while do nothing. If I feel sad, she may cry.
I talked about how she shared my personality. I talked about how she changed. Where once she had been, similar to me in spirit, she was quite different in form. I don't mean just that she was female, I mean she was petite where I am large. She was cute, where I, to put it quite bluntly, am not. But she changed. In the weeks before I made the post the Girl changed to a form I associated with myself.
I found myself fantasizing as I often do. Nothing particularly interesting. In one instance I was lying in bed thinking about being in bed. But I saw the Girl. I saw her, curled up and happy. I wanted that. When I made the post these ideas swam through my mind but made no sense to me. I would be lying if I said they made perfect sense now, but they are certainly clearer.
As a result of my post I heard responses from others. I was shocked at the amount of people who told me they completely understood. The way I felt and the things I thought mirrored other peoples. I began to feel as the Girl did. Or more accurately, I began to realise that what the Girl felt was what I felt. Those were my feelings.
Today I write as Holly. Holly is as much part of me as anything else. Perhaps she is more, but I will address that later.
When I told my Mum I am bisexual, her reaction was not great. But worse was the joke she made afterwards.
"Well, as long as you don't go around wearing dresses or anything".
This was unfortunate for many reasons. Firstly, I have never EVER had a problem with cross-dressers, nor can I take unjustified intolerance without question. Secondly, at this stage I found myself in the early stages of cross-dressing. I wear 'womens' underwear and I own 'womens' clothes.
Needless to say, the resulting argument got rather heated and left my mum unsure as to what was going on. I did not expressly tell her I was cross-dressing but she took it upon herself to assume. A week later the argument began again. I asked her what she thought I had told her and she made a statement to the effect of 'cross dressers and weird and deviant" and expressed concern that all of a sudden I was going to become some sort of drugged out whore. The argument did not go well. At this point I do not believe I have told my mum exactly what is going on. I have told her to ask questions, I even gave her a list, for example "How do you feel about the whole thing? What exactly are you thinking?" and so on. She has yet to ask. Two weeks after this my mum is still being strange. She now finds herself apologising for the things she said (even though she doesn't know why they were a problem or what her problem actually IS yet). But she insists she doesn't know what to ask. Apparently no amount of suggestions will change this. She tries and says "So...are you...ok?" and then goes silent. It cannot continue. I have no desire to spend the rest of my days unable to be alone with my mother for fear of her suddenly worrying about something she doesn't understand and will not ask about!
The reason I mention all this is because the awkward silences caused me to think about what I would say the next time it comes up. The problem as I saw it was that saying "I am a cross dresser" does not accurately demonstrate my thoughts.
I cannot deny I have cross-dressed within the confines of my room. I wear 'womens' underwear on a daily basis. When I walk by myself I find myself wishing I could be wearing a skirt. I find myself frequently wishing I could pluck up the courage to go somewhere dressed. But it doesn't feel right to say I am a cross-dresser.
I don't know if it is because 'cross dresser' has some implied sexual side of it (even though this does not necessarily reflect the feelings of many cross-dressers) that makes it seem wrong, or if it is that it does not seem like cross dressing applies. In my mind I suppose, to 'cross dress' one would have to wear clothes intended for the opposite sex. My mind as it turns out, seems to be a girl called Holly wedged into the wrong body.
When I started this post I wasn't quite sure how it would end (nor am I convinced I am close to finishing it) however at this point I feel I can confidently say what my own evidence suggests.
I am transgender.
By various definitions, transgender is used to describe anyone who feels a difference between their sex as defined by their genitals and their gender as a sense of self.
While thinking of ways to talk to mum, the only thing I could think of was to say that while my physical body is outwardly male, the part she might call the 'soul' seems to be overwhelmingly female. Not so much in a 'way I act' because I don't subscribe to the idea of gender roles anyway, but in ways I can't really explain.
I don't know any more than this. I'm not even sure how I would go about knowing more than this. The idea scares me a little. My friends are amazing. They are incredibly supportive and understanding. My family...well I don't want them to know unless they have to. I really wish mum had just kept her mouth shut. I did not want to tell her because at the time I was even less sure than I am now. I can't tell her what it means or how it will affect me because I don;t know. Do I have body dysmorphia? Sometimes. Do I want to transition and live as a women? How the hell should I know. Arguably it doesn't change much. My hair goes back to being long, occasionally I wear different clothes and I use a different name. I'm still me. I'm still the same as I was...am... I do not know how to even begin addressing these questions or if I even NEED to.
All I know is that right now, I am Holly. I am transgender and I am happy and comfortable knowing that!
EDIT: If there IS anyone reading this, please comment if it made you think anything at all! Any input I can get will help me get my head round things! Thanks <3
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