I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BODY ISSUES.
Now, for a lot of people, this wouldn't be a problem. I know for a lot of people the response comes in two forms. The reassuring 'but you look great' and the unhelpful 'pfff...have you looked in a mirror lately? Get over yourself...". Because I have never needed or wanted to have someone reassure me about my appearance, I found myself in the latter camp. A situation I found unacceptable. I saw how badly the thoughts affected this girl and there was no way I was going to write them off as unimportant. I needed to know why.
Thus, The Experiment! was born.
The purpose: To better understand 'body-issues' particularly those related to poor self esteem and low confidence.
The method:
- Understanding from a personal, male perspective
- Understanding from a personal, female perspective
Method 1: The Beard
I have had a beard since I was able to grow hair on my face. It was comfortable, I liked it and it's pretty hard not to look OK with a beard. Either you keep it tidy and you look good, or you keep it rough and everybody knows you don't care about your appearance today. You're not out to please anybody.
The findings:
After removing the beard I noticed the following. First, my face has remarkably little colour. Second, my face is kind of round. Third, my eyes look funny but I don't know why. Finally, and most importantly, not ONE of those things bothered me.
A step in the right direction but nothing that would make me think that it wasn't acceptable.
The conclusion:
The method is theoretically sound. However, while I would not say I was confident in my appearance, I definitely don't care much about it. I'm very lazy with it and as such removing the beard is simply not enough to recreate a similar effect to that experienced by the group member. The only step-ups I could think on the male side was to dress smarter, which usually means a suit which I refuse to wear for moral reasons, or becoming super-fit which I only consider worth it for the practical reasons and have no desire to have 'rock-hard-abs' or whatever the kids are calling them these days. Therefore method one was a bust.
Method 2: The Transformation
If I couldn't do it by removing my beard, and the only other male options were unhelpful at best, I formulated a new plan. I spent some time thinking about things women do to make themselves 'attractive'.
My list included:
- Hair
- Make-up
- Clothes
- Shaving
I'm sure there are others, but not being a woman I wasn't 100% on them but I thought these would do.
So I bought myself a wig, some make-up (eye liner, eye-shadow, lip-gloss), a top and a skirt and set about making myself a woman for a bit. I ordered these things off the internet so I had a few days to wait, so while I had nothing better to do I decided to work on shaving.
Shaving
So having already removed my beard for my previous experiment my next port of call was the body. On one or two occasions I have shaved my pubic area, pretty much because I was bored. I have also shaved my butt because it was hot. So I got those out of the way pretty quick. Then I moved on to unknown territory.
First, the chest/stomach. I have NEVER shaved my chest before this experiment, nor have I considered it. I've never seen the point of it so it had to go. After a long, LONG while, it got done and I only slice my nipple twice! The next day I decided to try the legs.
Again, not something I have ever though about. In the interests of honesty, I have only shaved to just below the knee, since it is summer and thus shorts-weather it becomes a little harder to explain to people why all of a sudden you have shaved legs. Anyway, shaving your legs is HARD. I sliced the heck out of my knee while shaving it and it hurt like hell. But again, it got done. I have re-shaved every couple of days when the hair starts to grow back and intend to keep this up until I either finish the experiment or decide it is necessary.
Skip forward to the delivery of items.
Hair and clothes
These will go together because there really isn't much to say about it. I opted for a brown, straight haired wig with hair that goes to my shoulders. Tied in a pony-tail with a thick-ish strand framing the face. A cute hairstyle. I chose it because in my head I have an idea of what the girl-me would look like. This was my first clue that I might be on to something. Regular me just exists, but girl-me is an ideal. She has a form to be attained, not a perfect form, but one that makes me think if I WAS female, I would want to look like. I put on the clothes which I actually really like. Clothes were strange because again I can pick the style I would wear IF I were female.
Make-up
I suck outright at makeup so in the end I put on a bit of blue-eyeshadow (barely visible), some black eyeliner and some clear lipgloss *sparkle sparkle*.
Once I was made up I took some pictures with my webcam and studied them.
The Findings:
My hair is cute but messy. My clothes don't fit. I need to lose some weight, like NOW. My make-up makes me look tarty and I don't like it. I wish I had a ribbon or a bow for my hair.
The Conclusions:
The findings for this method were much different. My ideal had not been met and suddenly it made sense. The therapist would call it an 'unrelenting standard'. A bar set by myself that I could never quite reach. In my first attempt at dressing like a woman my first thoughts were not that I don't look convincing but that I needed to lose weight and find better fitting clothes. I discovered a part of me that desires a physical change for purely aesthetic reasons. This is a vastly improved method.
Continuation
It would be an insult to anyone who body issues to say that after this I now understand them fully. Even more so to be able to say that I could flick back to normal and still not care. As such, I can reason that I still do not fully understand it, however the experiment has had a noticeable effect on me.
Firstly, I found that part of me enjoyed the experiment. Frankly, I feel quite good and confident with shaved legs. I don't know why. I liked having cute hair, and I loved that I ALMOST looked cute. As my friend said when I showed him the picture "you look happy!". I was. In addition to this I have noticed that I have changed my attitude towards appearance in my usual self. I have maintained a relatively clean shaven face since the start, compared to my usual regime of shave when it becomes too scratchy. I have started trying to eat better and exercise more for aesthetic reasons as well as practical ones. I have realised that I can wear whatever clothes I want basically, and am now the owner of some of the most bright-orange shorts you will ever see. This is a GOOD thing.
New goal:
To determine the outcome of increased and more regular exposure to the experiment. To understand to a (non-destructive) level I am comfortable with, the concept of negative body image. To understand the significance of different aspects of negative body image and the methods of dealing with each.
Method:
Continued transformation. In addition, I shall attempt to lose weight in order to better fit the image of my female-self within my head.
Theory:
As progress towards the ideal of my female-self is made, I will have recorded the lengths I have had to go to with which to achieve it. Hopefully the male and female sides will help each other. By this I mean that the female-side will cause my male side to consider appearance and take some pride in it while avoiding ego-ism and the male side will prevent the female side from setting an 'unrelenting standard' that I can never hope to attain. While this would cause me to fully understand the feelings of the group member, I do not wish to become obsessed with my appearance unnecessarily. I have more important things to concern myself with.
To be continued: (Nespus)
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