Where I either:
-analyse how to break the news to my father OR
-write an incoherent mess of thoughts...
...really it depends how calm and collected I can stay while panic writing.
Soon my father shall return from his holiday. I see the man once a fortnight at my grandparents house. To start with, I'm going to give some facts about my father in order to give you an idea where I am coming from with my concerns.
Dad has, in the past, attempted to use me as a control mechanism. He would make my life unnecessarily difficult in hopes that when I followed his instructions it would demonstrate the behaviour he expects from my step-sister. This eventually led to a period of around 6 months in which we did not speak. Or rather, I refused to speak to him.
My grandparents were always very religious. No TV on Sunday, evolution is a lie, that sort of thing. My dad insisted on taking us to church every week when we lived with him, so I can only assume that at least part of him is also religious. Having said that, as far as I know he has not been to church since he moved to his current house. I don't know if he is religious but doesn't express it, or isn't religious and just goes through the motions with his parents. It has always been a mystery and currently is a source of fear.
When I told him I was bisexual, he immediately hugged me. He thanked me for trusting him and said that my grandparents would "just have to deal with it" when they found out. This suggests that he understands the basic argument for accepting that which we cannot change.
Dad, much like my brother and myself, is stubborn as all hell. He is also not fond of discussing 'feelings'. There is a chance that he will take the news and do nothing with it. I have no idea how this will manifest. I don't know who he could talk to about it, so it would stay in his head. My brother and I fear that due to the past incidents of not talking, Dad will force himself to pretend he is OK with it. Eventually he will be unable to continue. I do NOT want that to happen.
I do not know my step-mum even half as much as I probably ought to. As such I have no idea how she would react. I assume that she would be fine with it. It seems like the kind of person she is. HOWEVER. I don't know how that extends to 'advice' and being able to talk someone down. Would dad even discuss it with her or seek her advice? I have no idea.
I am certain there is more in my head that could help, but I think these or the most important parts. Now the questions remain. How do I tell him? Where? What will he do or say?
I think it is fair to say that while I can usually gauge how dad will physically react to a situation, I have almost no idea what goes through his head. It also occurs to me that this is in no sense of the word one of those 'normal' everyday situations.
The where is reasonably simple, or at least getting a set of criteria is simple. Somewhere we can be reasonably isolated. Somewhere faaaaaar away from my grandparents. Somewhere I can get home from easily. The list is simple. I don't know how he will react. Could he be angry? Sad? Indifferent? Mum says I may have to accept that he won't want to speak to me for a couple of weeks. Could this be the case? Who knows.
How is more tricky. I could just go to him and tell him the same way I told my friend the other day. "As soon as it is possible to do so, I intend to live as Holly." I can elaborate from there when it is required. I was all set to write a "But I should consider..." paragraph but actually I won't. From my perspective (which I grant you is somewhat biased!) that is as plain as I can put it. If I explain my reasons and answer any questions, I have theoretically done my part.
How will he react? This is the part that worries me. More than anything it worries me. It worries me for two reasons. Firstly, because it is going to suck. I am hoping that he is more reasonable than she was (yes I understand her reasons, but she cut very VERY deep), but mum insists he won't be. The second is that however he reacts, I can fairly safely assume his parents will react worse. It is not something I am looking forward to. Part of my thinks he will be OK with it, that he won't understand it completely, but he won't go off the handle or start making cruel remarks. It hopes he is bigger than the stereotype mum is pushing. It thinks that Dad will be dad and that mum is just saying bad things to make her reaction seem better. The other part of me suspects this isn't true. I know I can't FORCE him to accept anything or to see it my way, but somehow I have to. I have to persuade him it's not a bad thing. My brother thinks mum should be there when I tell him. She is certainly in a much better position to do it now, but could I do that? Would I end up sat in a room with both my parents barely discussing a situation neither of them are informed of enough to pass judgement on? I don't know. Mum says at the very least he might need a hug, but "YOU might not be the one to give him it".
A big part of me thinks that mentioning the subject of telling dad to my mum was a mistake. I wasn't worried before, and now I am. I know all the things she says are potentially accurate, but to talk about it with her seems like denying the possibility of a positive outcome. To her eye, it seems, there is no WAY he could accept the news better than she did.
Oh well, we shall see how it goes...
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