In which I smash three or four days worth of interesting things in to one blog post!
Today as I write I am fully 'dressed' and smiling like a fool! Frankly, I have a lot to be happy about. On Monday, I wrote about how I had told my Dad about Holly. I told him he was welcome to tell my Step-mum if he wanted, or we could wait until I saw her next (which admittedly would probably have been Christmas and not really the best time!). The next day I got an email from her telling me how I had her full support and saying that Dad appeared to be taking the news very well, and coming up with practical questions like how to find shoes that fit! I have asked her to keep an eye on him, but hopefully he will really be fine with it! I have no idea if my Step-sister knows yet.
When I woke up the next day I was still essentially high of my own achievement. My grandma had come over for the afternoon and we decided to walk the dog. (I'm beginning to see a pattern here that most of my important stories come from something that happened while walking the dog!) Once we got to our usual dog-walking field, I started thinking.
I was of the opinion that Grandma would be fine with my news. Others were less sure. I was feeling extremely over-confident and decided to go for it. We had a reasonably long talk about it. Turns out, she seems OK with it. I'm not sure if it is simply that she understands that in this day and age you have to accept things you don't necessarily agree with or if she actually thinks it's OK but either works. I guess I'll find out eventually.
Wednesday I told my step-dad. My mum gave me a lot of grief about the way I told him. I maintain that telling him and sitting for a solid hour afterwards with him not saying anything about it particularly was a perfectly acceptable way of doing things, but apparently not. He took it really well when I told him and then didn't speak. Apparently, so mum says, he needed to 'digest' and then wouldn't talk bring it up on his own for fear of prying into somebody else's business. I still fail to see how that is MY fault but what can you do. Either way, the next day I spoke to him again and told him if he had any concerns or questions at all that he should feel free to come up and say so.
This morning I got up and was handed a letter from him. His choice of words was a little odd in places. His decision to use the phrase "If you are man enough to go around wearing a frock then I am man enough to let you" amused me for so many reasons. The use of the words 'man enough'. The idea that he has even the slightest element of control about whether I can be Holly. However his message came through well enough. Essentially, that as long as I am sure this is what I want and I don't suddenly start breaking our 'house rules' then he is fine with it and supports me.
These are all good things and I am proud of all of them. However, my favourite two pieces from the last week I have saved until last.
On Wednesday I attended my first session of phase 2 CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). It is a group therapy session and the only person in the group I know is the therapist. The rest of the group I have never met and historically I am very bad with new people. When I walked into the room slightly early, there was one girl already sat there. I took a seat and she introduced herself. I immediately responded "Hi, I'm Holly!".
I hear you saying "Well who cares, you said hello to someone!" however this introduction was significant to me. Firstly because I initiated the conversation. With a stranger. I have NEVER done that before and I did it with some confidence. The second reason is because it was the first time I have introduced myself as Holly. My friends, who have met me as Holly, know me already and I didn't feel the need for an introduction, so this was my first time. There was no hesitation. No thought involved. No sense that it felt wrong. It was a completely natural, comfortable reaction. It wasn't until I got home that evening that I realised how pleased I was with myself. Throughout the rest of the session I spoke to people with confidence, shared my own stories and was able to react better with this group than I had been able to with my previous group after 13 sessions!
My therapist said at one stage how pleased he was. "There was always an edge to you before. Don't ask me too many questions. Short sharp answers. A lot of underlying anger and aggression. Where has all that gone?" I cannot understate just how much better I feel in myself now, I knew this, but this session proved it. I explained how different I felt and how I was able to smile and generally emote. My therapist was pleased to be able to conclude that all of this was genuine. That I was able to smile and talk happily to other people without wanting to escape or tell them to leave.
I had initially planned to change back to boy mode for the train ride home, but after the session I decided not to. I walked back through the city towards the train station. I stood on the station and rode the train home. Every so often I would catch my reflection in something. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world...may face is too fat, I can't do make-up and my eyebrows look wrong. HOWEVER. Every time I say my reflection I noticed my smile. I've NEVER seen a smile on my face in a reflection before but it was always there. On top of that I FEEL super pretty. I don't care one way or the other how other people see me, I doubt I'll ever be the girl all the guys chase after but it doesn't matter. I felt amazing and I still do!
The second piece was this morning. Later on today my Brother, my mum and I are going to a gig. I have mentioned this gig before, it means the world to my brother and I. However I will be attending as Holly. Mum has not met Holly. I have been begging her since I told her to meet me as Holly BEFORE today because she seemed certain that she would freak out. She refused on the grounds that she would rather see it then have driving to focus on.
I was unable to persuade her that this wasn't a good idea. However I did alter it a little. My sisters are not coming back to our house after school so I can be Holly all day. So when I got up, I picked out my outfit (which looks fab by the way!) got dressed and went to see mum. I made my brother go downstairs first to find mum and stand around with her. She took it really well. She still sees 'the same person', which frankly is what I want. I AM the same person, I just look how I want(ish!). She likes my clothes, and thinks I look a bit like her (well go figure!). But she wasn't weird about it and she seems happy enough. I'm really really pleased with this result! She suggested some mascara would help balance out the eyebrows so I'll have to figure that out later! Then we had a chat about how to deal with my illusion-breaking voice!
She also isn't convinced I can rock a hair bow, but I think I can so I'm going to! Even my brother thinks I look nice.
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