I've told a lot of people about my transition plans now, and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I never know how to start. Nobody knows how to react. I never know what people will say or do. It's awful but it needs to be done.
Tomorrow I will be telling my sisters. This is the final hurdle for me as far as telling people goes. Once they know, I can live as Holly full time. Forever. This last week has been awful for me but I've made it through by reminding myself that I have less than a week to go.
Tomorrow is going to be scary. I've not told a child this news yet and I don't know what will happen. I'm really not sure what to say. I have plans and ideas but I have no idea if I will stick to them. But tomorrow they will know. Needless to say I am really worried. But telling the girls is a small thing compared to what I did today. The girls are young, they will get used to it. But today I tackled the other end of the family spectrum...
Today I told my grandparents!
I have written before about my Dad's parents and about how nervous I have been about telling them. In the past my grandad has threatened to ban me from the house for wearing nail-varnish. My dad says he is a straight-up homophobe. I've not been sure how my granny would react but since she once tried to tell me how I was a fool because 'Evolution is a lie' I was not hopeful.
My Dad was also scared. On the way to their house he nearly burst into tears for fear of 'my family letting us down'. He wasn't sure what would happen, but he really didn't want them to react badly.
When we arrived, it transpired that my Grandad was still at work. We decided to eat and tell Granny on her own. I explained the situation as carefully as I could. It would be no in no way an exaggeration to say she looked ill. She began to move things around the dinner table just for something to do.
Then she said something I feel ashamed to admit I was not expecting to hear. "Well, we'll always love you and we'll never turn you away!"
Every so often she would remind me to 'think carefully' about the situation. I think this was more for lack of better words than anything else as she continued to find random tasks with which to occupy herself. By the end of the evening I had explained to her what I needed to and she has begun to start calling me 'dear' or 'my grandchild' to help her transition away from ****** and towards Holly.
Grandad returned from work shortly after I had informed Granny. She sat at the table looking ill and I asked Grandad to take a seat next to her. I explained the situation to him. His reaction was the one I feared most, for reasons I do not fully understand. I asked him to tell me honestly what he thought, even if I wouldn't like it. He told me he thought the whole thing was a bad idea. He said he couldn't encourage it at all.
However, he agree to keep an open mind if he saw that it made me happy. He told me before I left that he would probably end up calling me ***** for a long while, but if he DID he wasn't doing it to make me feel bad. He wanted me to know that.
I still have no idea how they will take it in the long run. Granny thinks she will cry when she sees me for the first time. Maybe she will. But for the scariest thing I can think of doing, it all went really well!
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