In which I try and sort out my own feelings on the difference between acceptable critique and bullying.
At 10am I was woken from my sleep, one of the first time's I've slept well in weeks. During the night I had woken once and struggled to return to sleep. I had gone to bed at perhaps, 11:30 the previous evening and was asleep by almost 1am. In addition to these facts, I have been unwell for almost 2 months at this point, my sleep has been almost non-existent in terms of what one would consider to be a 'full' sleep. I have been waking almost hourly for the duration of this illness. I provide these details for one sole purpose. To demonstrate that at 10am this morning, I was tired. Not so tired that I couldn't move, but without sufficient energy to keep my head bolt upright and smiling.
This, apparently, is my own fault.
For some time I endured the usual repetitive barrage of questions; "What's the matter?" "Why do you look so miserable?" "Why aren't you smiling?". The first time someone hears these questions it can be irritating, especially when there is nothing wrong. I have heard these questions every time I have shown anything less than jubilation on my face for as long as I am able to recall. The simple answer to all these questions, which I provided both before the questions came to me AND after each question was asked is simply "Nothing, I'm just tired". At one point, I allowed myself to believe that this answer had been accepted, until I heard "Well don't talk to me then...".
There are many combinations of circumstances which lead a person to be in possession of conversation topics, however being half asleep and only just out of bed do not appear to be one of them. I accept that conversation is a two way street, but I find it difficult to understand the mindset of the person who rouses another from rest in order to talk, and then refuses to initiate anything in the way of conversation. I made this clear, which evidently was an error on my part.
A topic was chosen. Illness. My illness to be precise. Understand that when I say 'my illness', I mean it in the terms I understand it, namely 'I am currently unwell after being in hospital on two occasions within the last month. Unfortunately, my mother sees it another way. Despite having spoken to her friends who have undergone similar procedures - one reporting to have been ill for over 2 months afterwards, the other claiming to have felt unwell for several weeks - my mother remains steadfastly convinced that I am, in fact, making the whole thing up. Or at the very least (when she is in a better mood) that I am exaggerating it and that any effects I am experiencing are 'all in my mind'. I am, to hear her tell it, "Not trying hard enough to be well".
For clarifications sake I shall describe the symptoms I am experiencing:
On the Wednesday of last week, I took a trip to C________. I went to the train station, and when I arrived at my destination I was required to take a twenty-five minute walk to the centre of town in order to reach my destination. During my time on the train I experienced symptoms that have been likened to vertigo. Significant dizziness, nausea, flashes in my vision. All highly disorientating and most unpleasant. During the walk I experienced kidney pain, groin and abdominal pain, I significant and painful need to urinate. In addition my experiences from the train had increased in magnitude by this time. During the course of the next hour I had gone from able to walk, to being doubled over in a chair, shivering, sweating, in significant pain and unable to focus on anything around me.
Fortunately I have no experienced anything this bad since then. I have, however, been subjected to pain and dark red urine, dizziness, nausea and lack of concentration if I walk or stand for more than 10 minutes since then. Today I am fortunate enough to say I am merely experiencing some occasional kidney pain, increased need to urinate (and pain associated therein), discomfort when lying down and lack of concentration.
In addition to these, I have changed medications as the previous made me physically sick, so I am also dealing with the effects of new medicine.
I hope from this it will be as difficult for you as it is for me to understand how, or even WHY I would go about faking this.
To a point, I accept I could be doing SOMETHING, and to that effect I have been trying to complete my university work, I have attempted on two occasions to walk my dog (and felt dreadful afterwards), I have searched for employment, I have tidied and done odd jobs around the house. Could I go back to work? The simple answer, is no. My job involves chasing a young boy (aged 12) around his home for up to four hours at a time. He is physically strong, incredibly active and entirely unable to understand the need to stay still. He is also unable to understand what is safe or appropriate for him to do, that is my job. If I am not able to do that to my full capacity, I have a problem. If I am not AT work, the boys parents are able to plan around this. They know there is no extra help. If I AM at work, I am being paid to take that responsibility off their shoulders for a while. Whatever happens is on my head. It would be foolish, not to mention unethical for me to return to work if I am not able to do the job.
I can accept that I need to get better and that I need to be trying to do SOMETHING so I can get back to work. I understand that. What I am unable to understand is how "You need to get better" manages to become "This is why you'll never get a job, you don't even try and make yourself better".
On Wednesay this occurred again. On the way to hospital, we were discussing my previous doctors appointment, when the question of my new tablets came up. I know they are a form of anti-depressant. I was given them because the last ones made me vomit. However, it is my understanding that when a doctor says "Take these" his years of training in medicine would outweigh my complete lack of medical knowledge and thus I should respect his opinion unless I have specific reason not to. This, according to my mother, is not the case.
Now again, I can take constructive criticism. In this case, that might have been "Next time, why don't you ask what [whatever drug the give me] is supposed to do? Or how long it should be before you notice any differences". That is constructive. It points out things that I could do next time to get more out of my doctors visit. I know I didn't do those things this time, and I now know what I can do next time. Had it stopped there, I would have remained happy. But, alas, it did not. What I actually got was the above, followed by:
"So why didn't you!? That's how doctors get away with poor practice! You should have told him you wanted to know..." and so on.
My issue here is that it switches the focus away from improvement and turns it instead to shaming for things I did not think of. It is impossible for me to re-do the appointment. I am well aware of what I did and didn't do, so why is the extra necessary? All it seeks to do is turn a valid point, into a lesson in shame. Here is what you could do better, becomes "It's people like you that let doctors get away with terrible things".
This is becoming a regular occurrence. If I do wrong, I know about it. I know I need to find a better paying job. The constructive thing to do, is to say "Have you looked here?" or "I say that **** has a sign up". Instead I get "I bet you haven't even bothered to look" and "You'll never get a job because...".
This happens in most aspects of my life. A valid point is made, and is promptly followed up by something putting me down. Something designed to make me feel shame. At times it feels like it is done to bring forth anger, a feeling compounded when my mother decides to try and block the exit to whichever room I happen to be standing in. This leads me to wonder, how is this behaviour different to that which I experienced at the hands of my schoolyard tormentors for most of my life?
True, now I do get something constructive occasionally, but it is overshadowed by the follow up. YOU are the problem. This situation is YOUR fault. Why haven't YOU fixed it?? Why haven't YOU just taken a job already? Why are YOU not making YOURSELF better?
I am left with a conundrum. Do I accept my mothers position and tell myself that everything bad that happens, every thing that goes wrong, everything I don't do perfectly is my own fault? That it is something I am doing on purpose as an excuse to mope? No, I can't do that. I've had 23 years of blaming myself for the world. Some things are my fault, but they are almost always overlooked in favour of something worse, something I can't help.
So my alternative, do I ignore it? If I ignore it I am a child again. "Fine, sulk" "Have a tantrum". There are no bad moods here. I am, apparently, unable to be in a bad mood. I sulk, it seems. I throw a tantrum. If I avoid anger, I become a baby. If I try and leave the room to avoid becoming angry and confrontational (something about 7 doctors and a handful of mental health professional have told me to do - something mum is well aware of) then I am being childish and running away from the problem.
So my final alternative, do I fight it? How do you fight this position. If I point out a flaw, it's an excuse. If I point out unnecessary shaming, it was never said or it was taken the wrong way. If I quote, I'm lying. If I provide evidence, it is dismissed. If I find fault in evidence then past experience is invoked. If I point out I can't show improvement if focus is trained on the past, I am a fool.
How do you question someone who does not value logic or evidence from anyone but them?
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