Yesterday was interesting. Until around 3:30 I was pure Holly and I felt amazing. Then my sisters came home from school and I had to change. This apparently left a visible level of disappointment on my face which my mother picked up on while we walked the dog.
"Are you OK?" she asked, as she often does when she feels she knows what the problem is but doesn't really want to talk about it. I shrugged and vaguely answered. Obviously not being OK.
At this point I should say that not being dressed was not the only reason I wasn't feeling great. Primarily it was the fact that since telling my mum I am trans, she has not mentioned it once. Obviously I don't WANT her to turn around and say 'not in MY bloody house' or something, but for her not to mention it suggests to me that actually it doesn't have the sense of urgency that it should do. As it turns out, she did not say anything to avoid an argument but I have since managed to prove this isn't a wise move. Anyway...
"What have I done?" she asked. Her go-to phrase when someone is upset. "Nothing". I replied. "Alright, what HAVEN'T I done?" she said. "Nothing" I responded again. "But that's exactly the point". I explained to her my concerns that I had no reason to believe that she was taking this seriously.
After a long LONG discussion/argument I managed to get her to admit that she thought the following:
- I had told her this to 'rebel' against something
- I didn't really mean it
- I was going to destroy the family
- Holly won't be a good person
- I will look SILLY and therefore I shouldn't do it
- The girls will be bullied
- She could possibly learn to TOLERATE it in time
I tried to counter these points and was left with her usual response. If you ever get into a debate with my mother you can expect the following discourse to take place:
MUM: Makes a point you disagree with
YOU: Counters that point with evidence
MUM: "OH FINE WHATEVER" Conversation over.
This was very much the case. I tried to explain to her that basically what she was saying to me was that because she didn't understand it, I was doing it to provoke. That I should suppress a fundamental aspect of myself because she didn't like it.
Before I go on I want to address the final point in the list in more detail. Mum would be able to 'tolerate' it in time. She seemed to think this was an acceptable solution to the problem. I asked her in more detail who on earth would be willing to sit there knowing full well that they are merely being tolerated. She found this difficult to take in and proceeded to ignore the rest of the conversation so we moved on to a different part of it. This was about the most hurtful remark I think I've ever heard from a person.
She also told me to stop getting angry.
Angry. Don't get angry with me. Stop frowning. I don't want to talk about it because you'll get cross.
I explained to her that I got angry because it mattered to me and from my perspective she wasn't taking it seriously. In the end I had to go with the only argument I could think of to get her to understand. "If I tried to tell you that you had to stop being Christian because I didn't understand it, and that if you refused I would just about tolerate your existence, would you not be angry?" Of course she insisted that she wouldn't be angry but historically whenever a conversation turns to religion she decides I'm trying to convert her or something and shuts the conversation down!
Throughout this discussion mum kept telling me that I shouldn't expect miracles and that I can't expect to just clap my hands and have her immediately say "OK, from now on you are Holly!". This is about the only fair comment she made during the process. I don't expect miracles, I don't expect to speak to my grandparents again after they find out...it will hurt like hell, but I have to prepare for it. I tried to make it clear that I didn't need her to understand fully WHY I feel the need to be Holly. Just that eventually she will accept it and not feel so ashamed by the idea that she "can't possibly talk to anyone about it" (even professionals!).
The conversation ended for a while and continued slightly later. Mum found me in my room and we started it up again. She asked if in the future I intended to be known as Holly all the time. I said I did. "But not any time soon, right?". I answered honestly, that ideally it would be soon. She repeated her question. This time I just said yes and moved on. At this point I used the word "transgender" with her for the first time. It was obvious at that moment that she really hadn't appreciated just what I was telling her. She repeated the phrase "But you're not really, are you!" over and over for a while. Eventually I got bored of saying 'yes I am' and the conversation moved on to her grasping at every straw she could.
Part of my brain found it fascinating to observe how mum desperately tried to cling on to any scrap of the child she knows that she fears would disappear completely. Another part was deeply disturbed by the cruel ways she chose to do that. Fortunately I know well enough how difficult it must be for her to take this in. It IS hard. But since she won't willingly express her concerns or give me a chance to correct any misgivings or provide her with information I can't just sit and let her get away with it.
After 5 minutes of the weakest possible arguments for why I shouldn't be Holly, she changed tactics. Mum ran out of straws to grab and chose to make something up so she didn't have to accept she might be wrong. A fascinating mental reflex! "Well obviously you're just doing this to antagonise me! You are enjoying watching me struggle with this! You like seeing how I can't take it all in!".
While I cannot deny I love observing how people react to things, no part of me is using this experience as an experiment. I don't enjoy it. It is interesting for certain, but it is not my primary motivation. I explained this to her. I then pointed out that she needed to either talk to me about her concerns or talk to a professional about what was going on in her head. Either way it's happening.
She left rather abruptly after I explained in length how I couldn't and wouldn't beat myself up about the reactions of others to this news. I explained that I have always been a good person. I will always be a good person. The only difference will be my appearance and that fact that I will be happy. She tried to tell me again how the only women who are as tall or big as me are unattractive or awful people. This argument disgusted me so much I could write a whole blog about it on its own, but I won't! After this she left.
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SKIP TO THIS MORNING
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This morning I got up, once again sick as can be. Mum walked up to me and immediately apologised. She detailed how she would try her hardest but it needed to be a managed approach. A managed approach to TELLING PEOPLE. She wanted to get her head straight before the girls knew (something I have encouraged from the start). She said she would try and read about other peoples reactions and the book I found with information for parents. She asked if perhaps I could try and organise a paired therapy session to help her, or if she could just ask my therapist to see her about the subject.
I am going to be optimistic and say this is genuine. That perhaps part of her brain has realised I will always be the person she knew, but I'll be her amazing daughter instead of her amazing son. That I haven't died and been replaced by some stranger, just that I've changed externally a bit. Fingers crossed!
I'm glad she seemed a bit more open in the morning. You know I can't abide intolerance and it really hurts to read the painful, cruel things she has expressed. Having said that, please try and look at this from her perspective and realise that in a way her son has died/is dying. She needs to be able to come to terms with that and be able to grieve.
ReplyDeleteYou are still you, you are still the awesome, hilarious, opinionated, strong willed & sensitive person you have always been. But I promise you from the very moment your mother first held you she started building a lifetime of dreams and hopes for you. She pictured you growing up, she dreamed of the man you would become, she imagined your wife, even the grandkids she would someday have and the father you would be. Hundreds of different hopes and ideas built up over more than 20 years from the very first second she laid eyes on you. In a very real way she does need to grieve because she has lost that. But luckily she does still have you.
You can help her. Don't dismiss the idea that she has lost something just because she still has you. Let her come to terms with what she has lost and help her to build up a new image in her mind, a new collection of hopes and dreams for the future. She does still love you, help her get to know you.
That's true, I will try and remember that! She swears blind she never had any plans for me or that if she did she gave them up a long time ago, but I guess they are still in there even if she forgets them or not.
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