The power of the mind

In which I discuss just how powerful the mind CAN be, and why I hope I'm not making it all up!

Today is one of those days that will either stay in my mind forever or I'll forget about completely, and it all depends on one man.

Today was a day like any other. I had gone to see Mr J, Mabel and Soos and was in full Holly mode. I was in an especially good mood because today I got new hair! It's so soft and pretty! It looks good on me, or at least I think so. We opted to take a routine trip to the shops for some snacks. The only difference being that today we would deposit some items at the charity shop on the way.

As we walked towards the shop, I decided to avoid going inside. As of yet Holly has not been fully released upon the world. Because of my little sisters and my mums concern about their reactions to the news I am supposed to keep it secret. But who would recognize me? Surely not a man I haven't seen in 2 or 3 weeks who I barely know.

Out from the shop come my friends. As we walk Soos suddenly begins to apologise. "I'm sorry! You've been outed!". Not the most appropriate of jokes but there you go. I play along. "No, really...he kept saying 'Thats *** isn't it? Is that ***?"...". I realise at time of writing that I neglected to enquire about his tone of voice. Was it merely curiosity? Was it one of disgust? It doesn't matter particularly but it would be interesting to know. When we were walking towards the shop I had become convinced the man knew. I even said as much.

For some time after that, I found myself giggling. Mr J thought to ask if this was good or bad. It could demonstrate panic or confidence. I wasn't sure then and I'm not sure now what the correct answer to this question was.

Two things have become apparent to me from this incident. The first relates to the way I look. The second to how I respond both internally and externally to the reactions of others. Both of these things will be hugely important probably for the rest of my life, and they will be key for the next few years.

In regard to how I look, my initial thought was one of concern. The man could identify despite the wig covering some of my face and the complete change in clothing style. Initially I felt this was a bad thing. All sorts of thoughts buzzed through my head. WHY was he able to identify me from such a distance. I could not identify other people working there who I was not expecting to see, so how could he have spotted me? Was it my face? My size? My tattoo? Do I not pass as a woman yet? I don't know the answers to these. I just about pass for a woman I think...however I'm sure I will be corrected. There are lots of things I need to do to pass better but they are not currently within my power!

I am currently torn about how to interpret this. On the one hand I could worry that I just don't pass. That instead of seeing a woman and thinking "Hang on, that's ***", did he look and think "That's *** in a skirt!". On the other hand, part of me thinks that it doesn't matter. Holly isn't a disguise. Holly isn't my attempt at erasing my past or moving away from 'me'. Holly is me. If he sees a woman and recognises the person he knows as ***, is that a bad thing? Does any of that make sense? Perhaps I'm just grasping at anything that could put a positive spin on the experience.

My second thought, as I stated, was to do with peoples reactions. There are so many things this man can do now. He might not care at all. Just accept it and move on. He might look upon me in disgust next time I go in to work. He might recall his experience to a work colleague! How will THEY react?

This thought is arguably the more pressing. I cannot worry myself about any of them. Firstly, because I cannot be certain which, if any, he will go for. Secondly, because if I start to worry about it, the pressure will build. I can worry about the reactions of family. Some of those will be difficult to deal with but I am certain deep down they are all good people, capable of seeing past any misconceptions or prejudices they may hold. But this man I barely know. If I worry about the reactions of strangers I open myself up to a world of unnecessary anxiety. Does it matter how he reacts? No. Not really. I'm a volunteer in the shop, he is an employee. If he, for whatever reason, decided to make life difficult, I can leave. I have no obligations. If he tells the other workers and it becomes a prime piece of gossip in the sorting room (I'm SURE it isn't THAT interesting, but who am I to judge the worth of gossip)? Does THAT matter? The answer, still, is no. Previously I may have made what my Mum would call "a bullish remark" about it. Something to the effect of 'If they don't like it, F**K 'em'. Holly is a happy girl, of that there is no question. I don't need to force anyone to accept it, nor do I need to hate anyone who doesn't. For my part, I continue as normal. Not 'normal' in the sense that I carry on male-mode. Normal for me. I carry on as Holly. I continue to be happy. If someone makes life difficult there, I'm protected by discrimination acts and company policies. But I shouldn't NEED them. I hope I won't. If someone takes issue to something that has made me truly happy, then they are trying to take away happiness. I don't know many people who would revel in making someone unhappy, especially those giving there free time to help others.

Will I experience bad reactions in the future? Almost certainly. There's a lot of arseholes out there. There are also many more people who just don't understand. Who have never considered it. If I need to get technical then fine, but for now I aim to just prove it does what I say it does. It' makes me ME. It has made me HAPPY. It has made me the person I want to be.

If all that fails, and people are still bad, should I worry? No. Will I? Maybe. Another of my friends told me yesterday "Be careful. If out school years proved anything it's that peoples words hurt". He isn't wrong. But hopefully with the techniques I've learned in my CBT group and the support of people who DO care about me, I won't need to worry about the others. Did any of that make sense? Who knows, but I feel better for having written it.

On an entirely unrelated note another thing became clear today. I really wish it hadn't become clear in the way that it did, but still. I made a joke I've made many times before. Mr J told me to think long term about something political. Specifically to think 30 years in the future. Without thinking, I went to my go-to line. "Eh, I don't plan to live that long!". Homer Simpson said something similar once and it stuck with me. Of course until now, I have never thought long term. One of the downsides of depression is that you don't feel the need to plan anything. What's the point! Mr J got angry for reasons I won't be going in to. I didn't fully appreciate why at first, and even when he finished I admit I didn't feel much different about it. However within about 10 minutes I felt bad. Really bad. Not JUST because I had hurt my friends feelings. No. What made me sad was when I realised the full extent of that joke and its implications. For as long as I can remember, it has been completely accurate. I never had planned on living that long and I certainly didn't think I ever would. What makes it worse is that I don't feel that any more. At all. I don't wish I was gone. I don't feel I'd have been better if I wasn't born. I don't want to remove myself from this cruel world. For once I'm happy. I have a good future ahead of me, even if I don't know much about what it will involve. I don't HAVE a plan, but I could MAKE one. That made me feel worse than anything. The joke doesn't even make SENSE any more and I said it, and made a friend angry and sad. Which sucks.